Note to self: Write as a gift to Em. Document with pictures ALL that is going on. Write it to him as advice column, recording babysitting, etc.
Last night:
We’ve gotten Domino’s pizza repeatedly on Tuesday nights (even though the local one fired a bunch of delivery people and I saw a picket line-I can only fight you so much!)
You make paper airplanes in the vestibule. Or try to hit me with my gloves or steal my scarf. I try to amek sure we don’t go crazy with other people around, but yesterday a boyfriend pulled his girlfriend’s knitted cap over her eyes, playing around like we were.
You don’t like toppings. I DO!! I ask for pineapple, cheddar and banana peppers. I even bought nice lettuce yesterday for you, dark green-the kind you like- NOT ICEBERG. You complain that it was all WHITE! Yet you don’t like kale or spinach (and even complain that salad tastes like paper after a few bites)
You begged for peanuts (and we went crazy and got SALTED)
I’m a little sad that we couldn’t do another Xmas book this year, I really liked how it came out last year. BUt I think you might be drawing less (me too!) and you seem to only have time for HOMEWORK and NEVER playing, or maybe jsut TV.
Your dad came home from his LAST CLASS. (He now has 3 Master’s Degrees-unheard of in my parent’s day. but I have 2 and even Amber has 2!) And we are all still poor!!
We had a pizza party (and we even put peanuts on the pizza!!! We all tried it and it was much less overwhelming than suspected.
Your father hasn’t relaly invited me for the Xmas performances, you are a Narrator this year. I wanted to hear you perform, but you couldn’t find your lines.
(Last year I asked, but the day came and went and he didn’t make it happen. And I’m in Boston for this year. NEXT YEAR!)
When I picked you up yesterday, they let me into the building and told em to go up INTO the auditorium. It was ENCHANTING to watch all the kids rehearse. Now I know how it must feel so amazing for parents to feel proud of their kids. I sat for a few minutes, knowing you weren’t onstage. You were wearing that cap I gave you. Blue, with a tiny brim. PErfect. (I got it from my friend who had a yard sale in Cape Cod. We had called it a Dave Van Ronk fisherman’s cap, from the 50’s which was worn as a retro reference to the early 1900’s. You wore it as Jack in the Magic Treehouse for Halloween.
When I showed you the clanedar my mom made of pcitures of me, you kept saying I look like a little boy (short hair)
I sang “Girl in 14G” last week to you. We were hanign out in my room, on the little green loveseat and you asked for music. Not from the radio(maybe the static was annoying ) “No!” you said, “YOUR music!” I think I had only played Monkee music for you before. But I sang, and I think you liked it.
This Xmas, you guys are singing “Consider Yourself” from Oliver, a Davy Jones song.
And “all You Need is Love” you are singing the “There’s nowhere you can be that isn’t known” part.
I dropped you off at 181 Cafe with your Dad last Friday. Your Mom texted me and asked what I was doing for Xmas. And asked if I wante dot come visit for the weekdn! (We haven’t spent more than 10 minutes together at 181, and she wants to open bck up! I’m hesitant, but friendly. I WANT to have her back in my life as a friend. And I love how she is so oepn and friednly and lets me in to your fmaily. I’m accepting of Phil, and she’s secure with him. Whereas I feel like your father has a deep insecurity/focused hormone-type love for Amber and they NEVER include me as “aprt of the family”. I’ve JUST MET Amber’s parents as of 3 months ago.
I think I’m part of Toby’s life with Rosanne and amber wants to jsut move forward.
When she told me about Toby giving her the ring, she said to hold the weekend of August 9th for her wedding. My first response: “Wow! I’m invited?” (Because they have NEVER invited me to anything. Ever. period. parties, gatherings. Even when they have people over, they don’t make a point to bring me into the conversation and exclude me. I’d feel terrible about it, but I think that’s just how they are. Amber is probably too young to clue into it, but Toby seems to have that from his father. Your grandfather took you to my Mousetrap show at Taszo Cafe and seeme dvery nice, everyone seems nice in person.. i just do’t see them in person a lot. Or ever. (I had to tell him that you were a Medieval Knight for Halloween. That’s the only other time we’ve exchnaged conversation. Other than around your Mom’s whirlwind)
I told Toby that I probably should move out in the summer (I was hardly there last summer anyway, splashing around in Walden) I need to move on. It’s VERY hard falling in love with other people’s kids. Not that I want one. I want to be with you (and your Mom) hanging out at the beach (Sunny and Sandy) and eating out and hanging out and . . . And I don’t get that from living with Your Dad and Amber (never felt so alone living with so many people) I’d love to talk to you more about how I see things and life and whatever help I can give you.
We all have such different, busy lives. I’m very grateful for the moemnts we DO get to have together.
We all measured each other on the wall yesterday. (Amber wasn't there) Your dad is a good 3 inches taller than me, which I still don’t believe. AND YOU GREW 3 inches in almost exactly a year!!! (I think last year you measured it on the day your fmaily came for a visit. And you read your story about Santa using a goldfish as Rudolph!!
(Your Mom thanked me for giving you that journal with the Eye on it. It got it from Dawn, Scrumpy’s Mom. I tried to write a story in Spanish in it, but you ripped it out. And started rawing guys in it. I had also tried to write you a story in Spanish about 4 glitteyr stones, but after you ripped the pages out, I lost the heart for it. Even though you told me to continue because you said, ‘I’m interested!” the most positive feedbakc I’ve gotten about my writing!! (I don’t show things to people -outside of my writing group)
I got up today at 6:30 to watch you go off to school.
You held your head forward and I couldn’t tell if you were doing the Grinch or Cindy Lou Who. You looked very cute either way!
