Hey L,
So I saw on FB that R got a dog. Finally.
Perhaps you were thinking of using it as an entre to ask me to help out. More contact. Which it may/may not be.
When I AM there (which has been less and less nowadays, especially since mid-June, now August), I tend to use the elevator when I come in.
Because I have a certain amount of dread when passing your window.
Dread that I will/won't see you. That you will make good on your promise ("Just be patient") and suddenly try to befriend me. (Which is where the dread comes in)
Oddly enough, I am watching a movie, Red Lily (1928, silent), not paying attention but there was a scene of a girl, crawling on the floor . . . "I waited so long"
I've stopped being her a long time ago.
I don't understand you and your Bipolar Diagnosis.
Didn't you say how betrayed you felt when you lost friends? How on your birthday that you only had 2 emails and no phone calls? (I hope you understand that YOU brought that on.) I was committed to the idea that I would be the ONE friend who would remain faithful to you, despite all your moods. Despite everything that you feel yourself burdened by.
It was almost exactly a year ago when you invited me over. When Rx had her "whirlwind" and you had your . . . Whatever It Was (you never told me). I thought we had faith in each other (at least that's what you said in all those emails)
For a long time I sensed that you have chosen your piano teacher over me. He's a "boy" too, and you spend time together, in ways that are easy and artistically seductive. And that's what your philosopher soul wants, isn't it? Eloquent words and aphorisms, but real world friendships are too difficult for you.
No matter what you've said.
And so now, you are still cruel.
Things remain unresolved between us. Perhaps this is the worst part of your diagnosis, and you remain unaware of it-caught up in what you experience as your worst symptoms-you have NO idea how you hurt people. Or maybe you do, and that is why you hide in your "hermit" persona, and like a little boy, you wallow in the fact you have no/few friends.
So now, I hope you treat the dog well (I have no idea what your capacity is for violance) and take it for walks, and I hope that you find some measure of happiness.
Yes, even now.
No matter how used I feel, what a sucker I am, how naiive and foolishly generous with my friendship, I wish you balance and peace and contentment.
I do say a prayer, a mantra along those lines when I pass by your window. It's helped me (and somehow, I hope it has helped you)
So I saw on FB that R got a dog. Finally.
Perhaps you were thinking of using it as an entre to ask me to help out. More contact. Which it may/may not be.
When I AM there (which has been less and less nowadays, especially since mid-June, now August), I tend to use the elevator when I come in.
Because I have a certain amount of dread when passing your window.
Dread that I will/won't see you. That you will make good on your promise ("Just be patient") and suddenly try to befriend me. (Which is where the dread comes in)
Oddly enough, I am watching a movie, Red Lily (1928, silent), not paying attention but there was a scene of a girl, crawling on the floor . . . "I waited so long"
I've stopped being her a long time ago.
I don't understand you and your Bipolar Diagnosis.
Didn't you say how betrayed you felt when you lost friends? How on your birthday that you only had 2 emails and no phone calls? (I hope you understand that YOU brought that on.) I was committed to the idea that I would be the ONE friend who would remain faithful to you, despite all your moods. Despite everything that you feel yourself burdened by.
It was almost exactly a year ago when you invited me over. When Rx had her "whirlwind" and you had your . . . Whatever It Was (you never told me). I thought we had faith in each other (at least that's what you said in all those emails)
For a long time I sensed that you have chosen your piano teacher over me. He's a "boy" too, and you spend time together, in ways that are easy and artistically seductive. And that's what your philosopher soul wants, isn't it? Eloquent words and aphorisms, but real world friendships are too difficult for you.
No matter what you've said.
And so now, you are still cruel.
Things remain unresolved between us. Perhaps this is the worst part of your diagnosis, and you remain unaware of it-caught up in what you experience as your worst symptoms-you have NO idea how you hurt people. Or maybe you do, and that is why you hide in your "hermit" persona, and like a little boy, you wallow in the fact you have no/few friends.
So now, I hope you treat the dog well (I have no idea what your capacity is for violance) and take it for walks, and I hope that you find some measure of happiness.
Yes, even now.
No matter how used I feel, what a sucker I am, how naiive and foolishly generous with my friendship, I wish you balance and peace and contentment.
I do say a prayer, a mantra along those lines when I pass by your window. It's helped me (and somehow, I hope it has helped you)
