Gonna Buy Me A Dog

Hey L,

So I saw on FB that R got a dog.  Finally.

Perhaps you were thinking of using it as an entre to ask me to help out.  More contact.  Which it may/may not be.

When I AM there (which has been less and less nowadays, especially since mid-June, now August), I tend to use the elevator when I come in.

Because I have a certain amount of dread when passing your window.

Dread that I will/won't see you.  That you will make good on your promise ("Just be patient") and suddenly try to befriend me.  (Which is where the dread comes in)

Oddly enough, I am watching a movie, Red Lily (1928, silent), not paying attention but there was a scene of a girl, crawling on the floor . . . "I waited so long"

I've stopped being her a long time ago.

I don't understand you and your Bipolar Diagnosis.

Didn't you say how betrayed you felt when you lost friends?  How on your birthday that you only had 2 emails and no phone calls?  (I hope you understand that YOU brought that on.)  I was committed to the idea that I would be the ONE friend who would remain faithful to you, despite all your moods.  Despite everything that you feel yourself burdened by.

It was almost exactly a year ago when you invited me over.  When Rx had her "whirlwind" and you had your . . . Whatever It Was (you never told me).  I thought we had faith in each other (at least that's what you said in all those emails)

For a long time I sensed that you have chosen your piano teacher over me.  He's a "boy" too, and you spend time together, in ways that are easy and artistically seductive.  And that's what your philosopher soul wants, isn't it?  Eloquent words and aphorisms, but real world friendships are too difficult for you.

No matter what you've said.

And so now, you are still cruel.

Things remain unresolved between us.  Perhaps this is the worst part of your diagnosis, and you remain unaware of it-caught up in what you experience as your worst symptoms-you have NO idea how you hurt people.  Or maybe you do, and that is why you hide in your "hermit" persona, and like a little boy, you wallow in the fact you have no/few friends.

So now, I hope you treat the dog well (I have no idea what your capacity is for violance) and take it for walks, and I hope that you find some measure of happiness.

Yes, even now.

No matter how used I feel, what a sucker I am, how naiive and foolishly generous with my friendship, I wish you balance and peace and contentment.

I do say a prayer, a mantra along those lines when I pass by your window.  It's helped me (and somehow, I hope it has helped you)

Unresolved Issues

Dear L,

I sent you a letter last year, after August. When we had decided to keep being friends.

I asked about what you knew about your diagnosis, about yourself.  If you were violent, what I should expect.  All sorts of things.

You never answered me.

When I try to press you about hanging out in person (vs endless emails) you seem to get angry.  Yet you ask for my continued patience.  (Believe me, I am patient)

You seem to hang out with other people, at least that's what you tell me.  I get mad that you don't hang out with me (because that's what I think of as a friendship).  There have been LOTS of emails and frankly, the make me crazy.  I'm a girl and think talking is of primary importance.  Plus, it makes me check my emails every few minutes, because if I get you in a communicative mood, then you'll send a bunch of emails back.

I keep wanting to write to you, but it seems like I'd be begging for something I don't even like.

You texted me when I was in Boston.  In December.  You were thinking about your own death.  Again, you wouldn't let me talk to you.  You were NOT alone, and I'm pretty sure you had some alcohol.

I think I'm someone you talk to when you are Manic.

I think you are waiting for a time in your life when you can talk to people in a mania, or a subdued mania. I think you are waiting to get back on track somehow.  My persistence has been based on an idea that brief interactions can help you get back on track somehow.  But now I see that it's impossible.  And I'll wait through the summer.  (We didn't talk last summer, after a fight)  I'll wait forever.  But I don't know what I'm waiting for.  I don't know who you are.  I've been waiting to get to know you.  Maybe this is you.  Maybe if I didn't need anything from you ever, it would be easier (but what is the point of a polite friendship like that? We were honest with each other)

Everytime I think about you, I end up in this spiral.  How I should be nice to you, how I get a tremendous sense of PEACE when I think about you.  How this all seems unfinished.  And then I think about how you don't let me in, how you were open once and now you are closed and cold.  And how you said how you don't like being cold.

I need to stay away from you. There's nothing we can give each other from this friendship.  (Other than neighborly friendship and treasures of being humans on this earth.  Laughter, conversation, exchange of smiles, etc.)

Little Green Cars and "Devil in the White City"  (You are charming, but you said you have a "Dark Soul".  There's a reason girls get attracted to danger)

Superman and The Mom

11:15am, Monday in June, getting up to 95 degrees

"Really good to see you again!"
"Yeah, you too!"

One neighbor to another, former, neighbor.  As they pass each other on the street.  They are both heading to their cars.  She will drive back to a new place in NJ, a long commute after 2 apartments so close by.  Homes that don't exist for The Mom anymore.

If he is feeling good, he may drive to the grocery store.  And be back in time for alternate side parking to end so he can get his favorite spot in front of the entrance to the courtyard.  He is tall.  He is a Blond Superman.  He doesn't leave his apartment when he is sad.

Almost a year ago, he had started confiding in a Girl.  He told her about his diagnosis.  Mixed Bipolar.  The worst.  He was diagnosed 25 years ago, after a bad episode.

Within a few weeks, he would have the worst episode he had had in 25 years.

During that Sunday day of 350 emails, the world was shifting for the woman with the car.  She had never been so depressed.  She tried to pick up some meds, but the place was closed.  A mixture of self medication (beer & pot) and pills (Prozac or something like it).  The kind that can trigger a worse episode if you don't have the proper diagnosis.

The Mom was so sad and alone.  Except for the Little Boy.  And the Cat.

Instead of buying pills, she bought antifreeze.  That midnight, she sent a text to her ex-husband.  "By the time you get this, all three of us will be gone"

The ex-husband didn't get it til Tuesday morning, when he was driving back from a hiking trip.  By then, the crisis of the moment had been averted.  The Girl who was on the other end of the 350 emails had called the suicide hotline for her friend.  She was just "The Roommate", but had gotten custody for a few hours of the Little Boy.

The Girl heard this exchange between neighbors, knowing that sometimes it is easier to just say hi than to have a real conversation.  They are people connected through the Girl, she knows both of them very well.  Or rather, she USED to know them.  Used to recognize similar symptoms.  Saw the same sadness between them.

And they walk the street easily, saying hi.

The Girl hears this conversation from her window.  And her heart races to see these people.  Wanting them to be happy.  In friendship, wanting the friendship to extend to her as well.  Unaware of how to be friends with them anymore.  Superman and The Mom don't want to be connected through the GIrl anymore.  They have moved on from that weekend in August, that end of the summer.

Here it is, June, and they have moved on, however.

The Girl is still grieving for the loss of the friendships.

The National-Trouble Will Find Me

Kid,
When we were in my room tonight, cutting out paper dragons, we were listening to the radio.  WFUV.  They are doing a series about Mentally Ill people, "Striking a Chord" against misunderstanding.

I tried to ask if you had heard about it yet.  You said "Yes, I have a friend with that. He has diabetes".

I couldn't explain it further.  It's still hard for me to explain anything beyond "people get a cold in their brain".  Maybe I will tell you about our neighbor.  How people get moody.  And mad and sad and angry and lonely.

And how we still need to love them.  Because it is sometimes impossible for people to stop loving people.  Like when it's your mom.  Or your neighbor.


Lyrics, from their album "Trouble Will Find Me"

"This Is The Last Time"

Oh, when I lift you up
You feel like a hundred times yourself
I wish everybody knew
What's so great about you

Oh, but your love is such a swamp
You don't think before you jump
And I said I wouldn't get sucked in
I...

This is the last time

Oh, don't tell anyone I'm here
I've got time and no one near
I was thinking that you'd call somebody
Closer to you

Oh, but your love is such a swamp
You're the only thing I want
And I said I wouldn't cry about it
I...

This is the last time
This is the last time

We were so under the brine
We were so vacant and kind
We were so under the brine
We were so vacant

We were so under the brine
We were so out of our minds
We were so under the brine
We were so vacant

Oh, when I lift you up
You feel like a hundred times yourself
I wish everybody knew
What's so great about you

Oh, but your love is such a swamp
You don't think before you jump
And I said I wouldn't get sucked in
I...

I won't be vacant anymore
I won't be waitin' anymore
I won't be vacant anymore
I won't be waitin' anymore
I won't be vacant anymore
I won't be waitin' anymore
I won't be vacant anymore
I won't be waitin' anymore

Jenny, I am in trouble
Can't get these thoughts out of me
Jenny, I'm seeing double
I know this changes everything

Jenny, I am in trouble
Can't get these thoughts out of me
Jenny, I'm seeing double
I know this changes everything

10 Subtle Signs of Bipolar

http://positivemed.com/2013/05/15/10-subtle-signs-of-bipolar-disorder/

There are plenty of stereotypes when it comes to mental illness, here are 10 signs that mood problems may be due to more than a quirky or difficult personality.
Great mood

Hypomania is a high-energy state in which a person feels exuberant but hasn’t lost his or her grip on reality.

Inability to complete tasks
Having a house full of half-completed projects is a hallmark of bipolar disorder. Those who can’t finish tasks often go from task to task, planning grand, unrealistic projects that are never finished before moving on to something else.

Depression
A person who is in a bipolar depressive state is going to present as very similar to someone who has depression, presenting the same problems with energy, appetite, sleep, and focus as others who have moderate depression.

Irritability
Some people with this condition suffer from “mixed mania,” where they experience symptoms of mania and depression at the same time.

Rapid speech
“Pressured speech” is one of the most common symptoms of bipolar disorder, it occurs when someone is really not in a two-way conversation.

Trouble at work
Many of the symptoms can interfere with their ability to show up for work, do their job, and interact productively with others.
In addition to having problems completing tasks, they may have difficulty sleeping, irritability, and an inflated ego during a manic phase, and depression at other times, which causes excessive sleeping and additional mood problems.

Alcohol or drug abuse
Many people will drink when they are in a manic phase to slow themselves down, and use alcohol to improve their mood when they are depressed.

Erratic behavior
When they are in a manic phase, people with bipolar disorder can have an inflated self-esteem.
Two of the most common types of behavior that can result from this are spending sprees and unusual sexual behavior.

Sleep problems
During a depression phase, they may sleep too much, and feel tired all the time, meanwhile during a manic phase, they may not sleep enough, but still never feel tired.

Flight of ideas
People feel like their mind is racing and that they can’t control or slow down their thoughts, it is often seen in the pressured speech.

==

Unlike what many think mental disorders are not only a consequence of genetic factors, or of a serious trauma, they can be caused by many common things that may happen monthly, weekly or even daily in your lifetime. Here we give you a list with 8 common actions that may cause mental illness.

1. Sales Events
There is a physiological factor involved in these events when people go crazy and trample or shoot pepper spray in each other eyes, it is known as literally crazy symptoms like anxiety among others.

2. Long Winter Nights
SAD or Season Affective Disorder happens when the lack of sunlight affects your mood, leading you into a depression.

3. Living alone
Depression has many factors and living alone is one potential cause that may increase the risk of being on anti-depressants.

4. Owning a cat
Cats usually have inside them a small parasite called toxoplasma Gondi, when it leaves the cat, it gets inside another being, and this parasite might cause slower reactions and more reckless feeling.

5. A bed bug infestation
Some people may have physiological response to bed bugs, having symptoms such as nightmares, flashbacks, insomnia and anxiety.

6. Having traumatic brain injury
After trauma, the rate for psychiatric disorders is almost 50%, the effects of concussions can last long past when the physical signs have gone.

7. Being in a bad car accident
A car crash can give you a long term Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) causing shock and disorientation, and you can end up with a mental disorder.

8. Excessive praise as a child
Praising a child for every single thing they do can lead to a serious personality disorder. 

Brief Visits

Yesterday, I saw R for a few minutes.

I pass by your window everyday.

And when you leave (whenever you do) you pass by mine.

I heard someone on the radio today, who has a "Bipolar Diagnosis".  He said how people around him are confused.

I am.

And I WILL smile when I see you!

(I still want to get through to you.  You are a nice person.  I don't understand what it is you are fighting. Why you seem to be fighting me.  Or yourself.  I'm on your side.  It will always be alright.)

I miss you.

FINAL RANT: ADDICTION

8:51am, Sunday Morning, peaceful acceptance (which flows into realistic thinking!!)

"More or Less of the Invisible Man"

My Dearest Boy,

I want to tell you about my Bipolar Friend.  You call him Superman, but I know him only as a man who wears a cloak of Invisibility.  Needless to say, it is difficult to be friends with him.

There is a deal I made with myself; I will only allow myself to *try* to be friends with him IF I can maintain an equilibrium with it.  Do you know what that means?  Like a single steady path, a line, like on a heart monitor.  Not too high, not too many peaks or mountains, because for every good moment, there will be a moment that is twice as painful.  My DEAL is about trying to keep everything mildly enjoyable and trying to support (from a distance) when he is having a bad day.  For all my other friends, I expect them to be there for ME, too.

The reason this relationship is different from other, is that my Bipolar friend disappears.

So I cannot expect ANYTHING from him.  I can only appreciate when he is there.  And NOT allow myself to be disappointed when he disappears again.

This week was especially hard, just when I think he's THERE, he wakes up and forgets about me.  Or the day dawns into another beginning, where he loses his voice again.  I was mad, and it is worse when he tries to explain, tries to be nice.  (This is when I'm thinking rationally, expecting him to be like other humans that I decide to never talk to him again.  But I always decide not to.  That my life is better with him as a friend.  I always forgive him. But I don't know if it is a matter of me aspiring to infinite grace or me being a complete co-dependent IDIOT.

I warn you, if my friend is making me feel crazy (from his unpredictable behavior), then I cannot imagine what havoc your Mom will (unintentionally) create in you.  The Evil Spell is SOOOOOO very evil because it is the beautiful moments (and the moments where they love you) that make the other painful moments so heart-wrenching.

For instance, he wrote me a note earlier this week.  "Hey!  I have some leftover Christmas lights and some scrap paper.  Would you like me to drop it off?"

This nearly made me cry for a few reasons:
1) He is thinking of me, AND reaching out to me without me asking!!!
2) He is saving things for me (like I have repeatedly asked)
3) These things are the first "gifts" (I am someone who creates gifts, and saves anything that a friend might like.  I have in my room: a bottle of FULL Olive Oil, a bottle of nearly empty olive oil, both expensive.  A book of delicate tissue I have not written yet.  And many hundreds of Mousetraps.  An album of 3Penny Opera and Chicago sung in German. And many other things, waiting for him.)
4) He wants to BRING THEM OVER in person.  (remember, since April of last year-it's now February-I have probably seen this man fewer than 30 times.  And of those, only 3 times have we intentionally hung out for 2 hours.  Maybe (including trips to the store and me sitting with him in his car) we have had conversations lasting 30 minutes maybe 10-15 times.  Maybe we have met on the street or in the hallway and talked (mostly under 5 minutes) maybe 30 times. We have exchanged THOUSANDS of emails.
5) He has NEVER come over to my apartment to bring me something.
6) He has NEVER asked me to meet him (except for that one time in his apartment)
7) (This is my Loneliness talking)  He wrote me the night before Valentine's Day, saying he would come by in the morning.  Recently, I had written trying to gently suggest that I would love to have coffee with him (and his wife) every once in a while. LIKE FRIENDS!!  So I was really looking forward to a quick, successful interaction with him.  Pleasant.  It's not about the giving of the gifts, but the gesture.  THE EFFORT.  He doesn't seem to make an effort with me. (But I can't tell, and I can't force him.  Or even if I try, it won't work)
8) I was counting on hearing about my art acceptance or rejection on the 13th (your mom's bday) and hadn't heard back.  I was VERY SAD about that.  (I feel like I try SO HARD, to get a job, to do art, to make friends with him, to be a good friend to you-especially when I hear your father yelling-and I feel like I have too many moments of rejection within all this.  And no successes.  Very sad, indeed.  And the only option I have is to keep fighting.)


The results:
1) He does NOT contact me in the morning
2) I cry repeatedly about my terrible situation
3) I decide to go out to the "One Billion Women Dancing" event in Columbus Circle and then MOMA's PS1.
4)  After the dancing, I got an email saying that my recruiter AND HER BOSS are working on submitting me to 2 projects.  And that they LOVE me.  (Made me cry in a good way)
5)At the museum, enjoying myself, I got an email about being accepted into the Art Exhibition.  I AM SO HAPPY!!
6) His wife wrote about how busy she is and how she (which apparently means him too) can't come to the concert for which I can get comps.  (They met Dawn last weekend).  I believe that she is busy, although I feel like they have also told me how lonely they feel as well.  And I feel like I have a right to be mad and to pull away from them both.  Because they don't try with me.  Ever.  (Except for the brunch and the pizza, which is apparently a once in a lifetime thing)
7)I wrote back (not hurt about Saturday, but wanting to tell them my good news)  So happy.
8) He wrote back.  Apologizing about not getting a good night's sleep.


I JUST REALIZED THAT OUR FRIENDSHIP IS A DRUG ("SUGARMAN"/"SUGARBUZZ")

I love when he communicates to me (BUZZ) and I crash when he disappoints me. I even am delusional when I think how "faithful" I am overlooking all his CRAP (when he doesn't write back to me)

GIVE HIM A TIME OUT.  2 weeks.  Do NOT SHARE THE GOOD NEWS WITH HIM.  Don't invite him to the opening.

NEED TO TALK TO PT ABOUT AA!!!  It's not healthy for me to be his friend!!  (At least not right now.  DO a time out, so maybe I can break it off, fooling myself into thinking that it isn't cold turkey.  BECAUSE I did do that back in December (when he was cold about Thanksgiving).  And I have been SO HAPPY without him in my life.  And just a few email exchanges (a few 13th night and more on the 14th!!  And then NOTHING.)  Make me WASTE more energy on him.

BECAUSE HE ONLY REACHES OUT TO ME WHEN HIS SYMPTOMS GO OUT OF CONTROL.  When he doesn't get enough sleep.  When his meds aren't working.  And when they do, he doesn't tlak to me. I WAS HOPING TO BE HELPFUL TO HIM AND HIS WIFE.  BUT I do not have the type of relationship with them that will be of any help.

I have to fight to keep him out of my life.  (PT help me)

Dear R& L,
I am writing this to say goodbye.
I have attempted to be friends with you for several months.
L is a good person and I wanted to break through whatever walls and issues he has to deal with due to the Bipolar Diagnosis.
LANCE ONLY WRITES TO ME WHEN HE DOES NOT GET ENOUGH SLEEP OR HIS SYMPTOMS ARE GETTING BAD.
R,
I need to tell you why I was so determined to be friends with L.  How we exchanged HUNDREDS of emails while you were in Poland (don't worry, this is not a confession of an affair or anything-he has always been a gentleman).  R texted me about having Antifreeze that she had bought, intending to DRINK.  She sent a text to T saying that "All 3 of us will be gone by the time you get this".
It was a CS attempt, however clumsy and I had to call the S hotline for her.  Cops took her away and she walked out of the hospital, furious at me.  She then went away.

But L came over, for 5 minutes, to support me.  (ANd I will always be grateful).  We emailed more, and he even sent me music.  (It was wonderful.  And knowing what a wonderful man he is and knowing that when he can-he can be an amazing person and friend.  It is moments like that that tear me apart, and stop me from cutting him out of my life entirely)

He has never fully discussed what happened in September.  What set him off or why he needed to change his meds.  I suspect it was a combination of his meds, jetlag and being involved with R's whirlwind that brought him to a difficult crossroads.

I want to give you guys an ultimatum.  If both of you, or just one or the other want to continue a friendship with me, I want to have some sort of conversation/update once a month.
(Are you listening to yourself?  When you start bargaining, trying to imagine that if you set careful boundaries, then everything will be okay?  They are going to agree.  And then not do it!!)

I have no idea where that guy is.  The one who wrote to me in August.  I write, hoping he will answer.  He came out of hiding a few days ago and then went right back into his disappearing act.

L, I don't want you to torture me anymore.  I do not want to share my good news with you.  I do not want to WANT TO make you smile anymore.  Because I do not think you want to make me smile; I do not think you CAN be the type of friend that I want and require.

I CANNOT ACCEPT YOU INTO MY LIFE AGAIN BECAUSE YOU DISAPPOINT ME.
YOU CAUSE ME MORE PAIN THAN GOOD FEELINGS.
I AM NOT GOOD FOR YOU EITHER, because you would try harder to reach out to me when you are on your own equilibrium.
(THiS is why you cannot keep friends)

Go away.  I can't take this anymore.  You are a drug and I am addicted to the idea that we can be friends. But this is NOT a friendship I want in my life.

This is NOT a friendship I want to have in my life
I do NOT want this
You cannot call
You cannot make the effort I want you to make.
You cannot live up to who I want you to be!!

To Boy: Bipolar Symptoms To Expect

And now, Boy, this is what happens when the Person Under The Spell disappoints you.

Yet again.

You wish them the BEST, go out of your way to bring them gifts and happy moments.  You think that if only you can make them smile, the world will be better.  (And sometimes it is true)

But he's let me down TWICE in 2 days.  He was gonna DROP stuff off in PERSON a few nights ago.  Then bring it over in the morning.  Then do it today.  Told him I was leaving by 2:30. And now I am fuming (useless, I know, but at least I can tell you about what you can expect!  Listen to me.  He can't get out of bed.  Or doesn't seem to remember-or prioritize you as a person-isn't that WORSE?  Not even to drop you a line.  When it was so easy for him to write endlessly last night.

WHY?  Because he hadn't gotten a good night's sleep.  And he's going to drink tonight (one glass of wine is enough for him to SUDDENLY become prolific.)  That's the thing that creeps me out.

He is NOT nice to me when he is on his Meds and keeps a regular sleep schedule.  He stays away from me if I give off a mere whiff of vulnerability.  But, WORSE, his sensitive side comes out eventually.  He hugged me last time, after I cried in front of him.

I want to CONFRONT him (which is one thing you should NEVER do.  Imagine that this lovely person you love is a Bear.  Hidden in their brain is a defense mechanism.  DON'T touch it.  They will tear you apart.)

Nothing today.  Blow me off once, shame on you, blow me off twice, shame on me.  What about setting boundaries....