The National-Trouble Will Find Me

Kid,
When we were in my room tonight, cutting out paper dragons, we were listening to the radio.  WFUV.  They are doing a series about Mentally Ill people, "Striking a Chord" against misunderstanding.

I tried to ask if you had heard about it yet.  You said "Yes, I have a friend with that. He has diabetes".

I couldn't explain it further.  It's still hard for me to explain anything beyond "people get a cold in their brain".  Maybe I will tell you about our neighbor.  How people get moody.  And mad and sad and angry and lonely.

And how we still need to love them.  Because it is sometimes impossible for people to stop loving people.  Like when it's your mom.  Or your neighbor.


Lyrics, from their album "Trouble Will Find Me"

"This Is The Last Time"

Oh, when I lift you up
You feel like a hundred times yourself
I wish everybody knew
What's so great about you

Oh, but your love is such a swamp
You don't think before you jump
And I said I wouldn't get sucked in
I...

This is the last time

Oh, don't tell anyone I'm here
I've got time and no one near
I was thinking that you'd call somebody
Closer to you

Oh, but your love is such a swamp
You're the only thing I want
And I said I wouldn't cry about it
I...

This is the last time
This is the last time

We were so under the brine
We were so vacant and kind
We were so under the brine
We were so vacant

We were so under the brine
We were so out of our minds
We were so under the brine
We were so vacant

Oh, when I lift you up
You feel like a hundred times yourself
I wish everybody knew
What's so great about you

Oh, but your love is such a swamp
You don't think before you jump
And I said I wouldn't get sucked in
I...

I won't be vacant anymore
I won't be waitin' anymore
I won't be vacant anymore
I won't be waitin' anymore
I won't be vacant anymore
I won't be waitin' anymore
I won't be vacant anymore
I won't be waitin' anymore

Jenny, I am in trouble
Can't get these thoughts out of me
Jenny, I'm seeing double
I know this changes everything

Jenny, I am in trouble
Can't get these thoughts out of me
Jenny, I'm seeing double
I know this changes everything

Catch up Kid Art from last week!!

Sea Monster and Dinosaur along a road

I did most of this one, but you drew the golden hot dog with silver mustard.  There is an ant whose word cloud says: "Do the Harlem Shake!"

Drum kit from last week, after your father had tried to give you a lesson.

A maze.  Amazing.

Robot Square Drawing

Library Tuesday:Babysitter Sitting on the Baby

Dear Little Boy,

You saw a poster with an actress holding "Light in the Attic" and noticed how funny it was that there was a drawing of a house on a guy's forehead.  We were sitting in the Non-Fiction, fun science book section, and I saw an image I was so familiar with, that I had actually taken it for granted.

We were in the Ft Washington branch (one of the few times we have walked anywhere alone, I just realized.  When your Mom was around, we did a lot of walking around the neighborhood.)

So I ran over to the kids section we were just in, where you found all the Cat Power novels. I had recognized it out of the corner of my eye, but it could be just an illusion.  I read one or two poems to you.  And we both laughed.  Especially the one about the Babysitter who thinks you are supposed to sit on the Baby.  You pointed out the feet sticking out from under her butt.

You got a 6 books (5 cat ones, 1 Bunnicula) and 3 DVDs, all Pokemon.  I got 8 books, some in Spanish, like Dr Seuss.  Some science-y ones too.  We need to do more science experiments.  Especially if your Dad is gonna be a science teacher.

One of the best things about being friends with someone is getting to share all your favorite stuff with them, to introduce it to them.  You get to experience it again for the first time.  Like the Monkees.  Like Shel Silverstein.  Like reading and telling stories and jokes.  (You called my name over and over and over again when I was in the bathroom, and when I got out, I did it to you too.  "Hey, hey, hey, hey....  Hi"  I guess we have a shared joke now)

We read a bunch of them when we got home.  And had pizza, I was really hungry, too.  Fun just hanging out with each other.  I told Jin that he had a nice smile when we saw him on 180th st on the way home.  You said, "I never hear anyone saying that someone has a nice smile,"  I hope I'm not teaching you to talk to strangers.  I think you were appreciating an act of goodwill on my part.  Simple. Beautiful.

(Later, after you had gone to bed and your dad and I both read Tintin to you.  I was thinking about what a lovely day I had had.  He asked if you "pressed my buttons", I think because we aren't related and I get to be a grownup, but also a friend, maybe a sister, definitely a roommate. we get to just hang out.  You are honestly the best, most honest relationship I have in my life right now.

When you were probably asleep and the house was quiet, I heard a story on "This American Life".  About a girl who grew up in a house where her father would get drunk and abusive and violent.  And to this day he denies it all.  I'm thinking that this "sickness in the head" involves a lot of forgetting.

I'm thinking here of the Grown Man.

I haven't heard much from him lately.  A weird set of drunk texts before New years, a quick email.  I still don't know if it's him not having enough confidence to talk to me, or if he is genuinely afraid to see anyone for any reason (especially when it might involve becoming friends with them).  Sometimes, I think I should be relieved that I've dodged a bullet.

I'm writing this to you because I think we are both in the weird place of loving people who have a mental illness.  I think that your Mom and him, my friend, (you said his name, his real name, not his nickname, Superman, a few days ago) have the same disease.  He told me his diagnosis.  Mixed Bipolar. I don't think your Mom has an official diagnosis yet.  Either way, they need to be careful.  And so do we.  They are both beautiful people who have moments of ugly.  Your Mom was really depressed and had to go away to deal with it all.

My friend, I think, hides, when it comes on.  But I think he hides when it isn't there too.  Just to be safe. He lives down the hall from us and I don't know what to do to make friends with him any more than I have already.  (I try to tell myself that he's not interested in my friendship.  Which is fine, and if I sensed that were the case, I'd leave it.  But when he talks to me, he opens up.  But he hasn't lately.  So I'm keeping my distance. And I'll be happy to, for the rest of my life. But if he needs me as a friend, I'm here.  I wish I could go back to being friends with your Mom too, because I think she needs a friend.  But she scares me. And I think I've betrayed her deeply.  She'll never forgive me and I've seen her angry now. So I can't go back to trusting she won't blow up at me. I need friends who won't do that.)

Do you remember your Mom's birthday last year?  We walked down to Buddha Bar on Broadway and 190th.  You discovered I had a video camera on my phone and took shots of the bar.  You had such energy that you were running back and forth in front of us and at one point, you ran all the way up that steep hill that has the old houses with the bad vinyl siding on them.  The VERY steep hill.  A guy came up behind us and joked with you as you were running and you guys ran up together. And then you ran down.  joyful.  I still remember that.

Maybe that's what else I'm here for.  To remember your memories for you.  Clearly.

Exhuberant Painting

Little boy, tonight you came into my room before dinner and saw the dogs roaming around.

You are very observant, and weeks ago, you noticed the thumb piano I had brought from Boston and hung on my mirror.  You found it days later and started playing.  You played it tonight, sitting on my bed.

You saw that I had done some Mousetraps a few nights ago (they lay drying on the floor). And you asked to do some.  I cannot say no to you.

We sat on the floor and I tried to point out the exquisite grain of the wood which create magnificent horizon lines.  You decided to take my gloss enamels and pour paint and smush two flat sides together to create a Rorsacht blot. One looked like peanut butter (brown and yellow) and one looked like lime (blue and green).

Now, I use tiny brushes.  I chose Mousetraps for their small size and ease of storage. But I fear your father will throw yours out the next time he cleans.  And I fear you will use up all my supplies.

I am careful to brush away the excess fully and use it for the next canvas; you allowed paint to drip and coat the surface fully, so that it takes hours to dry.

You are certain of food regularly, to the point that you will onlt eat foods that won't make you throw up (I fear you have a VERY sensitive stomach)  pretzels and cereal and pizza and eggs.  That's it.

I bought pita chips and cottage cheese and hummus and seltzer.  I eagerly eat hamburgers when I am out with friends because I don't allow myself meat, or anything that costs money.

You made wallets out of paper and colored masking tape last weekend for the huge piles of coins you are accumulating.  I am running out of paper and plastic and my bank account will be so empty by the time the Monkees convention rolls around, I am thinking about ---.  But I have NO health insurance, so that's that.  I think about how sad it will be to pack to move back to my mother's house.  A failure again, but I cannot find a different possibility.  I miss you already, kid.

So even though I was cringing, watching you pour all my gloss aqua blue onto paper (graph paper!!), just because the bottle allows you to squeeze it.  You squoze it in a dance, a creation of gesture-not pigment.

And I miss you already, even though you are only asleep across the hall.

Getting out All The Toys To Battle

Babysitting session 12/11/12, 5-7:15pm

There are several teams.

The teams you judged weakest will be fighting first.   The first round consists of 1 “Abdominal”/ AbominaBable Snowman who came as part of a Lego set, a single white baby Tiger and a series of 8 Elephants on keychains, each painted slightly differently.  The Elephants form a circular blockade, all facing inwards, around the Tiger, who is their King.  The Snowman is the strongest and is generally sent out to do the gruntwork. The Elephants and Tiger came from their perch on my windowsill. I think this game started when you asked me what animal I could be if I could be any animal at all. I said a horse, and you seemed disappointed. You said a White Tiger and I told you to close your eyes while I ran to get it and make it appear magically before your very eyes, when they opened again.

The team they are fighting includes a Bear, a Rhinoceros (song:" I want a hippopotamus for xmas"!) and a Lion, all made out of paper cardboard cutouts which fit into slots to create a 3D effect.  You have colored the bear brown, but I see that his feet are on backwards, so I take his sides off and now he looks like he is wearing a funny coat.

The animals take turns fighting the Snowman, and since you are in charge of the Snowman team, the Snowman will end up always being stronger.  Today’s fight seems to take awhile.  The Elephants begin to get restless and joke with each other about how dull the fight is.  One animal gets knocked into the couch, and because of his small stature, takes an absurd amount of time to reach the cushion.  60,000 years later, while the flying cry is still being heard, a large bouncing sound is heard.  The Elephants begin to reminisce about stories they had heard from their great-great-grand elephant fathers about the legendary fight between the Snowman and the paper Lion, when all of a sudden the Lion lands in their midst!!  The Snowman wins anyway.

There is a Hulk of normal colors with a button on back that can bring his fists together to smash someone or to pinch their nose (which is what we do), and a Hulk of clear green plastic, a Batman figure who is somehow disqualified from the game and a Claw guy who falls down alot.  You tell me to write his name down as “Weird Aliens Combined”, which I think is a much better name anyway.  Somehow, they might get matched up with my team of 3 larger-than-a-matchbox cars, convertible style, from the 1950’s.

There is also a jungle team.  1 giant rubber snake, 1 articulated salamander of wood, 1 steel salamander, (just like one my friend got in Venezuela) 1 tarantula spider, 1 tiny blue frog, and a 2 humped camel who comes with his own desert ground.  There is also a supporting green Lego dragon named Scroth [your spelling is Sckoth] who has a guy in white riding on his back.
There are 4 sets of plastic dragons with baby dragons which can somehow fit onto their backs.  There is a niche between their wings, and somehow the baby dragon wings expand just enough to fit into the moulded space between the bigger shoulders. I imagine you imagine they are Daddy and Son, and how it must fit into your mind as neatly as your father and you.  

1 set is blue with yellow wings, 1 is black with silver wings, 1 is salmon with yellow wings and 1 is silver blue with orangey-gold wings.  You tell me that “They are good dragons, but they need to bruch their teeth. Really, look, they are all brown!  And tat one with fire coming out of his mouth needs a drink of water so his teeth won’t get burned.

At some point, I make sure we transition into your writing homework. I decide I have writing homework too, (you have no idea that I carry a notebook around with me everywhere I go and that I love to read and write, and I hope you will too someday). When you hear that I have written down my list, you have to have a list of your own for the story about Sea Creatures that you are doing for your writing homework (which is usually a “Yuck!”, but again, I have tricked you into realizing that writing can be a way to be creative. Ha HA!).  

You have 6 sea monsters, one with fire scales, one with turquoise and purple polka dots, one with black and white stripes, one green, one orange and one with little santas on him. (!!)  When I ask if you have spelled “turquoise” like I have spelled it, you say yes.  I do not question you further. 

There is a string of plastic silver Christmas beads which are meant to go on the tree, but you have realized (as I did) that they are much more fun to play with when they are off the tree.  As you read to me what you have written, you play with these beads with your feet. They make a rich sound, almost as if they are made of real silver, and you are a rich prince, playing idly with your precious metals.

When you ask me what I have written, I read this to you and you smile at me in recognition of all the words you have just uttered.  I think I got it right.

We draw monsters. I do one from "Where the Wild Things Are", one of the dragons and the camel.  

You do your turquoise polka dotted sea creature and the black and white striped one. You even write down a checklist, so you'll know which ones you did.

After you brush your teeth, you ask to see a picture of me as a child. In it, I am your age. 8. I have my arms folded and you think I look mad, but I think I look satisfied and as if I take everything for granted as an only child. Your father gives me a look, he knows you are trying to avoid going to bed.

I wish I could tell you bedtime stories like my father told me. (Instead I'll write them here).