8:48, Friday morning, My Golden Building out my Window is now silver and pale yellow.
Yesterday, which happened to be Valentine's Day, somehow reversed itself from all things bad into all things good for me, for reasons I cannot begin to identify, unless they have to do with my constant faith in the idea of LOVE. As energy which transforms, but is never lost.
When I awoke, I was sad to be so "alone". Prince was nowhere to be heard from. Even though the night before, HE had asked if I wanted some blue xmas lights and scrap paper (which he knows I LOVE). He was going to COME OVER and deliver it, but I was out with friends, so I suggested the morning and he agreed!!
As usual, he ONLY responds when he feels like it. Or whatever. I usually have to be completely tolerant of it and NEVER show any anger, but in the morning it was hard.
I had submitted my Mousetraps to a group show, and the date of notification has passed (Feb 13th, PT's bday and the Boy's Mom. Who is in town, and who I am trying to avoid. I feel terrible And created a small Valentine for her. But I do not want to go back to being day to day friends. She will never forgive me, and I can't completely trust her (does she have a diagnosis yet? is she on medication? is she okay? Happier? I couldn't take away her tears before. I still couldn't help looking around the apartment, wondering what might happen in the moments she would be alone with the Boy. I'm 98% certain, it would be all good. But, I don't understand her.)
I don't understand the Prince, either, for that matter. We haven't really spoken since, what, October? 4 months? I miss him. I've been trying to convince myself that he (and Snow) have decided to keep me at arm's length, especially because I got drunk over their house when we had pizza.
It's better for me to believe that, than to worry what he might be going through. Or think of us both not getting out of our respective beds. And all that positive friendship time being wasted. Because HE makes me lonely. I am fine by myself, but knowing that he's down the hall. . . silent. It just makes me cry.
So I was sad to be alone, to be REJECTED, to have gone to meet the BOSS of the recruiter -yet another GREAT interview that will leave me hanging (I'm such a great person, right, and just haven't found my SPOT in the world, if I ever do). Wondering how much money I'm gonna spend ($250 down to $165).
Enough to make me cry, awake at 5;30, feel alone and know that Prince is never going to be a friend I can turn to in my moments of despair.
Of course, when I had managed to pull myself together, get to Central Park to see 1 Billion Women dancing, and get an email about how much the recruiter loved me (which DID make me cry), and then onto MOMA PS 1 (and a Cuban at the diner and 5 cups of coffee which also cheered me immensely).
I sat in the dome where an Iraqi woman was singing "Hallelujah" on a loop (more tears). Then saw an artist I LOVE, Thomas Lanigan- Schmidt's exhibit, his work is based on aluminum foil and holy relics. As if I had spent the whole morning praying to the art and beauty. And thinking about LOVE. (How it is NEVER lost, even when a relatioship ends, use it for jealous and evil ends, or transmute it into ART!!.)
Like I do. I realized, in the shower, never had I had fewer prospects and never been happier. THIS is the way I want to be living my life.
Climbing the steps of the museum, thinking about people who die (Pop, DJ, PT when he goes) you need to be centered enough to know that LOVE stays. An inherently egotistic POV, that it brings out a Reflection you Recognize.
Making art, hanging out with The Boy.
And then, of course, as soon as he heard I had good news, he wrote back (is he a fair weather friend?) Does he not want to deal with me when I am in trouble, or most in need of a friend? Does it trigger something timid in him? (He was marvelous, when he sent me his music, and then-when he hugged me when I was lost in a world of violence. He can be sensitive)
And I went to sleep, so happy, thinking of him as a Friend. Knowing that I am generally at a level of insecurity that needs moderate to constant levels of monitoring, and eventually, it will never be enough-I was very glad for the respite and to allow myself to put him up on a shelf and imagine him in a personal hibernation or whatever.
10am. He hasn't responded about meeting. And probably won't.
(Did I mention about inviting them both to a concert, Snow says no, but somehow he can't manage to say yes??)
I missed him so much. And now I'm afraid I'm thinking that he's Back. When nothing is constant.
Heard Wrecking Ball this morning, first time in forever. (As if the past year has been a wrecking ball in his life. Mine too, for that matter. But he sees only the movie of his life. Can be nice to me, if he can. But there's a lot going on. And he needs to take care of himself)
==
Boy, I know you saw your Mom on her birthday and for Valentine's. I think you had a marvelous time. No drama, no challenges. I hope it continues like that for you. I want to talk to you! As a grownup. Don't invest emotions (of negativity) into someone who can't offer you positive emotions when you need them.
But then, what happens when we are all happy together? Can we trust the happy? Can we use it for as long as it lasts? (Understanding that its not going to last??)
Yesterday, which happened to be Valentine's Day, somehow reversed itself from all things bad into all things good for me, for reasons I cannot begin to identify, unless they have to do with my constant faith in the idea of LOVE. As energy which transforms, but is never lost.
When I awoke, I was sad to be so "alone". Prince was nowhere to be heard from. Even though the night before, HE had asked if I wanted some blue xmas lights and scrap paper (which he knows I LOVE). He was going to COME OVER and deliver it, but I was out with friends, so I suggested the morning and he agreed!!
As usual, he ONLY responds when he feels like it. Or whatever. I usually have to be completely tolerant of it and NEVER show any anger, but in the morning it was hard.
I had submitted my Mousetraps to a group show, and the date of notification has passed (Feb 13th, PT's bday and the Boy's Mom. Who is in town, and who I am trying to avoid. I feel terrible And created a small Valentine for her. But I do not want to go back to being day to day friends. She will never forgive me, and I can't completely trust her (does she have a diagnosis yet? is she on medication? is she okay? Happier? I couldn't take away her tears before. I still couldn't help looking around the apartment, wondering what might happen in the moments she would be alone with the Boy. I'm 98% certain, it would be all good. But, I don't understand her.)
I don't understand the Prince, either, for that matter. We haven't really spoken since, what, October? 4 months? I miss him. I've been trying to convince myself that he (and Snow) have decided to keep me at arm's length, especially because I got drunk over their house when we had pizza.
It's better for me to believe that, than to worry what he might be going through. Or think of us both not getting out of our respective beds. And all that positive friendship time being wasted. Because HE makes me lonely. I am fine by myself, but knowing that he's down the hall. . . silent. It just makes me cry.
So I was sad to be alone, to be REJECTED, to have gone to meet the BOSS of the recruiter -yet another GREAT interview that will leave me hanging (I'm such a great person, right, and just haven't found my SPOT in the world, if I ever do). Wondering how much money I'm gonna spend ($250 down to $165).
Enough to make me cry, awake at 5;30, feel alone and know that Prince is never going to be a friend I can turn to in my moments of despair.
Of course, when I had managed to pull myself together, get to Central Park to see 1 Billion Women dancing, and get an email about how much the recruiter loved me (which DID make me cry), and then onto MOMA PS 1 (and a Cuban at the diner and 5 cups of coffee which also cheered me immensely).
I sat in the dome where an Iraqi woman was singing "Hallelujah" on a loop (more tears). Then saw an artist I LOVE, Thomas Lanigan- Schmidt's exhibit, his work is based on aluminum foil and holy relics. As if I had spent the whole morning praying to the art and beauty. And thinking about LOVE. (How it is NEVER lost, even when a relatioship ends, use it for jealous and evil ends, or transmute it into ART!!.)
Like I do. I realized, in the shower, never had I had fewer prospects and never been happier. THIS is the way I want to be living my life.
Climbing the steps of the museum, thinking about people who die (Pop, DJ, PT when he goes) you need to be centered enough to know that LOVE stays. An inherently egotistic POV, that it brings out a Reflection you Recognize.
Making art, hanging out with The Boy.
And then, of course, as soon as he heard I had good news, he wrote back (is he a fair weather friend?) Does he not want to deal with me when I am in trouble, or most in need of a friend? Does it trigger something timid in him? (He was marvelous, when he sent me his music, and then-when he hugged me when I was lost in a world of violence. He can be sensitive)
And I went to sleep, so happy, thinking of him as a Friend. Knowing that I am generally at a level of insecurity that needs moderate to constant levels of monitoring, and eventually, it will never be enough-I was very glad for the respite and to allow myself to put him up on a shelf and imagine him in a personal hibernation or whatever.
10am. He hasn't responded about meeting. And probably won't.
(Did I mention about inviting them both to a concert, Snow says no, but somehow he can't manage to say yes??)
I missed him so much. And now I'm afraid I'm thinking that he's Back. When nothing is constant.
Heard Wrecking Ball this morning, first time in forever. (As if the past year has been a wrecking ball in his life. Mine too, for that matter. But he sees only the movie of his life. Can be nice to me, if he can. But there's a lot going on. And he needs to take care of himself)
==
Boy, I know you saw your Mom on her birthday and for Valentine's. I think you had a marvelous time. No drama, no challenges. I hope it continues like that for you. I want to talk to you! As a grownup. Don't invest emotions (of negativity) into someone who can't offer you positive emotions when you need them.
But then, what happens when we are all happy together? Can we trust the happy? Can we use it for as long as it lasts? (Understanding that its not going to last??)
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