It is now 2:51am.
Maybe I had too much coffee. But I really can't sleep. The last time I remember this, I remember thinking about you.
And the Boy needs to know how painful it is to know that someone you care for is hidden/buried/hiding behind a wall. A self imposed one. And knowing how much you love them, and are willing to accept them on any terms.
Except the ones they need.
His mom has been in Florida since September. Gone. It's painful for her, and for him. He needs to figure out how to manage expectations, and it's all worse because he's a kid. And somehow, we can't tell him the truth. We also don't know how, because we don't know either.
We saw each other today, and it was simple and easy. And we talked. And we were all humans. Neighbors, talking about whatever we thought of.
I'm writing this down because I got the idea to officially request to have coffee with you, once a week, every week. I don't think I will. Because you SAY NO TO EVERYTHING. It makes me extremely frustrated, I don't know what your parameters are. I have no sense of what you are like when things are easy, or when things are hard. So I assume that it is ALL hard for you. And thank I can't have anything.
Your reticence has made me reticent. Frankly, I don't think it serves either of us. We are neighbors, now. I have a tremendous amount of goodwill for you, now. You have WRITTEN to me repeatedly that you are a "people" person; you'd much rather relate in person than over email. (But frankly, I have no evidence of this).
There are maybe a few good sentences in here, but I MUST be careful not to retain anger for you. Which prevents me from being honest.
It boils down to wanting the fuller experience of an in-person friendship. If you are going to send me texts in the middle of the night about how you are a "dark soul", then you need to take me to coffee. Fuck all that shit you take so seriously. You may think you are crazy and be caught up in CS. Or worse, whatever. Nothing scares me now about that. Your silence makes me want to beat you up, and I'm certain I could. Stop taking yourself so seriously. I'm sure your shrink would tell you that it is emotionally healthy to relate to other humans. Fuck your isolation.
I'm feeling emotionally RAPED. And I know you are not a person who would want to do that. But it's as cheap as making a bootie call and then tossing someone aside the rest of the time. I am grateful for your generosity in the past (sending me music after The Whirlwind and then the Hug after Sandy Hook).
The thing is, I'm afraid to ask for your help, just to be turned down again. I've been rejected in so many ways in my life lately that one more rejection will send me into tears.
Yes, I am lonely. But the cold kind of lonely. I don't want anything from you that normal people can't give. Suck it up and be a human, COFFEE. Let's talk about stupid things while we caffeinate.
Even the cat, he climbs into my lap and suckles on my ears, purring loudly. He is the only living thing that loves me, is eager to touch me, and only when he can satisfy himself. And the worst part it, I have no instinct to find a human to touch me. I don't like it and don't want it.
And you are making me cold. You are making me trust people less.
(Little boy, please read this and work on making yourself normal and happy. Don't do things to spite other people. They won't appreciate it AND it won't even get through to them!)
Maybe I had too much coffee. But I really can't sleep. The last time I remember this, I remember thinking about you.
And the Boy needs to know how painful it is to know that someone you care for is hidden/buried/hiding behind a wall. A self imposed one. And knowing how much you love them, and are willing to accept them on any terms.
Except the ones they need.
His mom has been in Florida since September. Gone. It's painful for her, and for him. He needs to figure out how to manage expectations, and it's all worse because he's a kid. And somehow, we can't tell him the truth. We also don't know how, because we don't know either.
We saw each other today, and it was simple and easy. And we talked. And we were all humans. Neighbors, talking about whatever we thought of.
I'm writing this down because I got the idea to officially request to have coffee with you, once a week, every week. I don't think I will. Because you SAY NO TO EVERYTHING. It makes me extremely frustrated, I don't know what your parameters are. I have no sense of what you are like when things are easy, or when things are hard. So I assume that it is ALL hard for you. And thank I can't have anything.
Your reticence has made me reticent. Frankly, I don't think it serves either of us. We are neighbors, now. I have a tremendous amount of goodwill for you, now. You have WRITTEN to me repeatedly that you are a "people" person; you'd much rather relate in person than over email. (But frankly, I have no evidence of this).
There are maybe a few good sentences in here, but I MUST be careful not to retain anger for you. Which prevents me from being honest.
It boils down to wanting the fuller experience of an in-person friendship. If you are going to send me texts in the middle of the night about how you are a "dark soul", then you need to take me to coffee. Fuck all that shit you take so seriously. You may think you are crazy and be caught up in CS. Or worse, whatever. Nothing scares me now about that. Your silence makes me want to beat you up, and I'm certain I could. Stop taking yourself so seriously. I'm sure your shrink would tell you that it is emotionally healthy to relate to other humans. Fuck your isolation.
I'm feeling emotionally RAPED. And I know you are not a person who would want to do that. But it's as cheap as making a bootie call and then tossing someone aside the rest of the time. I am grateful for your generosity in the past (sending me music after The Whirlwind and then the Hug after Sandy Hook).
The thing is, I'm afraid to ask for your help, just to be turned down again. I've been rejected in so many ways in my life lately that one more rejection will send me into tears.
Yes, I am lonely. But the cold kind of lonely. I don't want anything from you that normal people can't give. Suck it up and be a human, COFFEE. Let's talk about stupid things while we caffeinate.
Even the cat, he climbs into my lap and suckles on my ears, purring loudly. He is the only living thing that loves me, is eager to touch me, and only when he can satisfy himself. And the worst part it, I have no instinct to find a human to touch me. I don't like it and don't want it.
And you are making me cold. You are making me trust people less.
(Little boy, please read this and work on making yourself normal and happy. Don't do things to spite other people. They won't appreciate it AND it won't even get through to them!)
No comments:
Post a Comment