Where Have All The Flowers Gone

“I’m gonna tell you something my Dad told me and he told me not to tell anybody”

He whispered out of the side of his mouth and covered his face with his hand.

“That’s gonna be the baby’s room!”

“Do you want a boy or a girl?”

“I don’t know”

Yesterday, after a lovely playing session, Pete Seeger on the radio (remembering him, still, I cried during “Where Have All The Flowers Gone”) and hearing “Turn, Turn, Turn”

Out by the end of the month.

Ugh.  

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“I was sorry you weren’t here for the party yesterday.   We had pizza and drank every time there was a commercial. We went to Chinatown, and red is good luck in Chinese, so when we played (spin the tail on the donkey) get the football in the goal, I got it in everytime”

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(Have you noticed that they NEVER invited me to anything?)

I posted on FB that I needed a room and your Dad freaked out (mostly because I think your Mom tried to fight for me in an email).  He sent me a bunch of texts where he tried to do the best he could to yell at me.  He gives me 26 days to leave a place I've been living for almost 2.5 years (October 2011, 2012, 2013 and now).  "How could you make it PUBLIC?" He was talking down to me for not knowing where to go.  ("I'm SADDENED that this should unsettle you so much" self-righteous bastard. And then he talks abut how he wanted someone who would work 9 to 5.  But I am flexible enough to drop you off or pick you up.  He got me, and as much as he is happy for me when I have an artisitc success, he wants me to go to off to a job like him.  Meanwhile, I do online work, but that's another story.  Not that he listens)

He always freaks out.  Over everything.  I never know when he is serious because he YELLS all the time.  I hear him in the morning, in the bathroom, he drops something and it's like he's broken his foot. Every morning.  Somethings I will not miss.  He texted me about how furious he was when I am the one who is suddenly homeless.  (When we had last even MENTIONED the subject, after he had proposed, I TOLD HIM I was willing to move out closer to the wedding.  He said fine, and with the honeymoon, September 2014.  I said maybe June.  A said "Its WEEKS" and shrugged, like nothing was the matter.  There's a nice way to do things, and a shitty way.  They did it the shitty way.)

I tried to have a "talk" today, with both him and her in the room (because A always seems to leave when I enter the room).

Have you heard of "gaslighting", there's a movie, where a husband convinces his wife she is going crazy.  He's the one who controls reality, bends it to his will.

Now, I don't mind coming off as neurotic or wanting to "be liked" by them, especially if it gets me a few extra weeks here (I have a friend who can take me by April 8, but not before).  I am aware of what I am doing, trying to give in to get what I want (I want to not be homeless in the immediate future).  I am also trying to be nice in the face of two people who do not care about me (except for how I can serve them as a possible babysitter).

Note to the future you: live with people who at least pretend to care about you. (I prefer to be on my own & would rather live with people who are slightly indifferent to me)

I was going to produce a play that I had written at Cabrini Rep at the end of April, but they don't seem to care about that (it was something that made me ridiculously happy a few weeks ago, but now it's just a huge responsibility).  And there's an Art Show (the Scrolls).

Maybe things will be negotiable? (She's not "showing") I think she's just eager to start redecorating.  And maybe have her mom stay over.  Whatever.  She's quiet and leaves the room instead of talking to me.

They both said that there's a change in your behavior when I enter the room.  You do voices or show-off or whatever. And they also said I come in putting on a really happy face in the morning (overly cheery).  Whatever.  I think I'm just saying hello, but that's too much for them.  I spend the rest of my time out of their way, out or hiding in my room.  Today an art show closing I was planning to attend at Boricua (Intermarried), was cancelled bc of the snowstorm!  And so, I've been in my room since 5, since they got home.

You were brushing your toothbrush and singing.  (Sometimes you make loud noises, to see if I'll come to my door.  I'm afraid to talk to you too much, your Dad will yell that I'm keeping you up.  Whatever.  You're a great, funny kid)

I'm missing you already.

In the mornings now, you are supposed to be big enough to walk to the bus stop by yourself.  Even your father isn't sure if this is legal, and he has no idea how much Dagny's mom resents it.  Even when he could trade off on taking a group of kids to school, he never would. He's blindly selfish and inconsiderate in cases.  Intensely focused on what he's doing, paying little regard to the feelings of other people (although I hope this is different in your case.)  He still yells at you.  A lot.  More than he should.

This morning, we did some art.  We drew dragons, step by step.  And then owls.  I took a picture of mine, but you were smart and took yours to school (hiding the evidence).

I wish I could have read more books to you before bedtime.