Invisible Man

(To the grown man)

This is how I would like to be friends:

I'd like for you to abandon your self righteous work ethic when it comes to moments of importance.  Instead of getting up to work at 7am, I'd like you to invite me over for coffee.  (You work from home and we're neighbors, this isn't so wild a theory).

And a little kindness on your part, when I am struggling, will go a long way.  And maybe you'll feel a little more secure with yourself.  And this Bipolar thing.  (I know it's this HUGE thing for you, a mountain you face everyday.  But, creep over it, step by step).

From personal experience, I know that getting into positive habits are good things.  (Here I'm thinking of the habit of you talking to people, like me)

Of course, I doubt everything.  I certainly have little to no faith that we will ever be any kind of friends.  (I think maybe you changed who you think I am, when you told me about your diagnosis.  I hate you for that.  For opening up and then staying away.  I give you the benefit of the doubt because of your diagnosis.  But I hate you for it too.  For holding out your hand to me and then disappearing into thin air.)

So the only way I can deal with you is erase you from my life.  Not think of you.  Sometimes, I am even good at this. Not now, not today.

Today I want to call you and ask if I can come over for coffee because I want to cry.  Because it's cold outside and I'm trying to look forward to a day in Brooklyn.  Because I have a bump and I have no health insurance.  I want to cry because I am a hopeless mess and I need a shoulder.  I want to cry because there are so many beautiful things in my life just beneath the surface and there is a huge layer of ice between us.

I want to cry because I miss you.  That man who was excited about his leather bound OED.  Who hugged me. Who is afraid.

Is this your version of Bipolarity?  The extremes of opening up and then shutting down?  How much of this is your own personality?  (I am waiting because you told me to be patient, but I think you have forgotten about me)