Examples from Someone Else

This is something for the Real Little Boy.  Another boy, trying to understand his own mother's Mental Illness.

http://www.newyorker.com/online/blogs/photobooth/2013/02/joshua-lutz-hesitating-beauty.html#slide_ss_0=15

The thing is, you never really understand what is going on in anyone's head.  We are all different people from moment to moment.  We can be kind.  Don't hold people up to expectations.  Love Love Love.

FINAL RANT: ADDICTION

8:51am, Sunday Morning, peaceful acceptance (which flows into realistic thinking!!)

"More or Less of the Invisible Man"

My Dearest Boy,

I want to tell you about my Bipolar Friend.  You call him Superman, but I know him only as a man who wears a cloak of Invisibility.  Needless to say, it is difficult to be friends with him.

There is a deal I made with myself; I will only allow myself to *try* to be friends with him IF I can maintain an equilibrium with it.  Do you know what that means?  Like a single steady path, a line, like on a heart monitor.  Not too high, not too many peaks or mountains, because for every good moment, there will be a moment that is twice as painful.  My DEAL is about trying to keep everything mildly enjoyable and trying to support (from a distance) when he is having a bad day.  For all my other friends, I expect them to be there for ME, too.

The reason this relationship is different from other, is that my Bipolar friend disappears.

So I cannot expect ANYTHING from him.  I can only appreciate when he is there.  And NOT allow myself to be disappointed when he disappears again.

This week was especially hard, just when I think he's THERE, he wakes up and forgets about me.  Or the day dawns into another beginning, where he loses his voice again.  I was mad, and it is worse when he tries to explain, tries to be nice.  (This is when I'm thinking rationally, expecting him to be like other humans that I decide to never talk to him again.  But I always decide not to.  That my life is better with him as a friend.  I always forgive him. But I don't know if it is a matter of me aspiring to infinite grace or me being a complete co-dependent IDIOT.

I warn you, if my friend is making me feel crazy (from his unpredictable behavior), then I cannot imagine what havoc your Mom will (unintentionally) create in you.  The Evil Spell is SOOOOOO very evil because it is the beautiful moments (and the moments where they love you) that make the other painful moments so heart-wrenching.

For instance, he wrote me a note earlier this week.  "Hey!  I have some leftover Christmas lights and some scrap paper.  Would you like me to drop it off?"

This nearly made me cry for a few reasons:
1) He is thinking of me, AND reaching out to me without me asking!!!
2) He is saving things for me (like I have repeatedly asked)
3) These things are the first "gifts" (I am someone who creates gifts, and saves anything that a friend might like.  I have in my room: a bottle of FULL Olive Oil, a bottle of nearly empty olive oil, both expensive.  A book of delicate tissue I have not written yet.  And many hundreds of Mousetraps.  An album of 3Penny Opera and Chicago sung in German. And many other things, waiting for him.)
4) He wants to BRING THEM OVER in person.  (remember, since April of last year-it's now February-I have probably seen this man fewer than 30 times.  And of those, only 3 times have we intentionally hung out for 2 hours.  Maybe (including trips to the store and me sitting with him in his car) we have had conversations lasting 30 minutes maybe 10-15 times.  Maybe we have met on the street or in the hallway and talked (mostly under 5 minutes) maybe 30 times. We have exchanged THOUSANDS of emails.
5) He has NEVER come over to my apartment to bring me something.
6) He has NEVER asked me to meet him (except for that one time in his apartment)
7) (This is my Loneliness talking)  He wrote me the night before Valentine's Day, saying he would come by in the morning.  Recently, I had written trying to gently suggest that I would love to have coffee with him (and his wife) every once in a while. LIKE FRIENDS!!  So I was really looking forward to a quick, successful interaction with him.  Pleasant.  It's not about the giving of the gifts, but the gesture.  THE EFFORT.  He doesn't seem to make an effort with me. (But I can't tell, and I can't force him.  Or even if I try, it won't work)
8) I was counting on hearing about my art acceptance or rejection on the 13th (your mom's bday) and hadn't heard back.  I was VERY SAD about that.  (I feel like I try SO HARD, to get a job, to do art, to make friends with him, to be a good friend to you-especially when I hear your father yelling-and I feel like I have too many moments of rejection within all this.  And no successes.  Very sad, indeed.  And the only option I have is to keep fighting.)


The results:
1) He does NOT contact me in the morning
2) I cry repeatedly about my terrible situation
3) I decide to go out to the "One Billion Women Dancing" event in Columbus Circle and then MOMA's PS1.
4)  After the dancing, I got an email saying that my recruiter AND HER BOSS are working on submitting me to 2 projects.  And that they LOVE me.  (Made me cry in a good way)
5)At the museum, enjoying myself, I got an email about being accepted into the Art Exhibition.  I AM SO HAPPY!!
6) His wife wrote about how busy she is and how she (which apparently means him too) can't come to the concert for which I can get comps.  (They met Dawn last weekend).  I believe that she is busy, although I feel like they have also told me how lonely they feel as well.  And I feel like I have a right to be mad and to pull away from them both.  Because they don't try with me.  Ever.  (Except for the brunch and the pizza, which is apparently a once in a lifetime thing)
7)I wrote back (not hurt about Saturday, but wanting to tell them my good news)  So happy.
8) He wrote back.  Apologizing about not getting a good night's sleep.


I JUST REALIZED THAT OUR FRIENDSHIP IS A DRUG ("SUGARMAN"/"SUGARBUZZ")

I love when he communicates to me (BUZZ) and I crash when he disappoints me. I even am delusional when I think how "faithful" I am overlooking all his CRAP (when he doesn't write back to me)

GIVE HIM A TIME OUT.  2 weeks.  Do NOT SHARE THE GOOD NEWS WITH HIM.  Don't invite him to the opening.

NEED TO TALK TO PT ABOUT AA!!!  It's not healthy for me to be his friend!!  (At least not right now.  DO a time out, so maybe I can break it off, fooling myself into thinking that it isn't cold turkey.  BECAUSE I did do that back in December (when he was cold about Thanksgiving).  And I have been SO HAPPY without him in my life.  And just a few email exchanges (a few 13th night and more on the 14th!!  And then NOTHING.)  Make me WASTE more energy on him.

BECAUSE HE ONLY REACHES OUT TO ME WHEN HIS SYMPTOMS GO OUT OF CONTROL.  When he doesn't get enough sleep.  When his meds aren't working.  And when they do, he doesn't tlak to me. I WAS HOPING TO BE HELPFUL TO HIM AND HIS WIFE.  BUT I do not have the type of relationship with them that will be of any help.

I have to fight to keep him out of my life.  (PT help me)

Dear R& L,
I am writing this to say goodbye.
I have attempted to be friends with you for several months.
L is a good person and I wanted to break through whatever walls and issues he has to deal with due to the Bipolar Diagnosis.
LANCE ONLY WRITES TO ME WHEN HE DOES NOT GET ENOUGH SLEEP OR HIS SYMPTOMS ARE GETTING BAD.
R,
I need to tell you why I was so determined to be friends with L.  How we exchanged HUNDREDS of emails while you were in Poland (don't worry, this is not a confession of an affair or anything-he has always been a gentleman).  R texted me about having Antifreeze that she had bought, intending to DRINK.  She sent a text to T saying that "All 3 of us will be gone by the time you get this".
It was a CS attempt, however clumsy and I had to call the S hotline for her.  Cops took her away and she walked out of the hospital, furious at me.  She then went away.

But L came over, for 5 minutes, to support me.  (ANd I will always be grateful).  We emailed more, and he even sent me music.  (It was wonderful.  And knowing what a wonderful man he is and knowing that when he can-he can be an amazing person and friend.  It is moments like that that tear me apart, and stop me from cutting him out of my life entirely)

He has never fully discussed what happened in September.  What set him off or why he needed to change his meds.  I suspect it was a combination of his meds, jetlag and being involved with R's whirlwind that brought him to a difficult crossroads.

I want to give you guys an ultimatum.  If both of you, or just one or the other want to continue a friendship with me, I want to have some sort of conversation/update once a month.
(Are you listening to yourself?  When you start bargaining, trying to imagine that if you set careful boundaries, then everything will be okay?  They are going to agree.  And then not do it!!)

I have no idea where that guy is.  The one who wrote to me in August.  I write, hoping he will answer.  He came out of hiding a few days ago and then went right back into his disappearing act.

L, I don't want you to torture me anymore.  I do not want to share my good news with you.  I do not want to WANT TO make you smile anymore.  Because I do not think you want to make me smile; I do not think you CAN be the type of friend that I want and require.

I CANNOT ACCEPT YOU INTO MY LIFE AGAIN BECAUSE YOU DISAPPOINT ME.
YOU CAUSE ME MORE PAIN THAN GOOD FEELINGS.
I AM NOT GOOD FOR YOU EITHER, because you would try harder to reach out to me when you are on your own equilibrium.
(THiS is why you cannot keep friends)

Go away.  I can't take this anymore.  You are a drug and I am addicted to the idea that we can be friends. But this is NOT a friendship I want in my life.

This is NOT a friendship I want to have in my life
I do NOT want this
You cannot call
You cannot make the effort I want you to make.
You cannot live up to who I want you to be!!

To Boy: Bipolar Symptoms To Expect

And now, Boy, this is what happens when the Person Under The Spell disappoints you.

Yet again.

You wish them the BEST, go out of your way to bring them gifts and happy moments.  You think that if only you can make them smile, the world will be better.  (And sometimes it is true)

But he's let me down TWICE in 2 days.  He was gonna DROP stuff off in PERSON a few nights ago.  Then bring it over in the morning.  Then do it today.  Told him I was leaving by 2:30. And now I am fuming (useless, I know, but at least I can tell you about what you can expect!  Listen to me.  He can't get out of bed.  Or doesn't seem to remember-or prioritize you as a person-isn't that WORSE?  Not even to drop you a line.  When it was so easy for him to write endlessly last night.

WHY?  Because he hadn't gotten a good night's sleep.  And he's going to drink tonight (one glass of wine is enough for him to SUDDENLY become prolific.)  That's the thing that creeps me out.

He is NOT nice to me when he is on his Meds and keeps a regular sleep schedule.  He stays away from me if I give off a mere whiff of vulnerability.  But, WORSE, his sensitive side comes out eventually.  He hugged me last time, after I cried in front of him.

I want to CONFRONT him (which is one thing you should NEVER do.  Imagine that this lovely person you love is a Bear.  Hidden in their brain is a defense mechanism.  DON'T touch it.  They will tear you apart.)

Nothing today.  Blow me off once, shame on you, blow me off twice, shame on me.  What about setting boundaries....

Happiest Valentine's Love

8:48, Friday morning, My Golden Building out my Window is now silver and pale yellow.

Yesterday, which happened to be Valentine's Day, somehow reversed itself from all things bad into all things good for me, for reasons I cannot begin to identify, unless they have to do with my constant faith in the idea of LOVE.  As energy which transforms, but is never lost.

When I awoke, I was sad to be so "alone".  Prince was nowhere to be heard from.  Even though the night before, HE had asked if I wanted some blue xmas lights and scrap paper (which he knows I LOVE).  He was going to COME OVER and deliver it, but I was out with friends, so I suggested the morning and he agreed!!
As usual, he ONLY responds when he feels like it.  Or whatever.  I usually have to be completely tolerant of it and NEVER show any anger, but in the morning it was hard.

I had submitted my Mousetraps to a group show, and the date of notification has passed (Feb 13th, PT's bday and the Boy's Mom.  Who is in town, and who I am trying to avoid. I feel terrible  And created a small Valentine for her. But I do not want to go back to being day to day friends.  She will never forgive me, and I can't completely trust her (does she have a diagnosis yet?  is she on medication?  is she okay?  Happier?  I couldn't take away her tears before.  I still couldn't help looking around the apartment, wondering what might happen in the moments she would be alone with the Boy. I'm 98% certain, it would be all good.  But, I don't understand her.)

I don't understand the Prince, either, for that matter.  We haven't really spoken since, what, October? 4 months?  I miss him.  I've been trying to convince myself that he (and Snow) have decided to keep me at arm's length, especially because I got drunk over their house when we had pizza.

It's better for me to believe that, than to worry what he might be going through. Or think of us both not getting out of our respective beds.  And all that positive friendship time being wasted.  Because HE makes me lonely.  I am fine by myself, but knowing that he's down the hall. . . silent.  It just makes me cry.

So I was sad to be alone, to be REJECTED, to have gone to meet the BOSS of the recruiter -yet another GREAT interview that will leave me hanging (I'm such a great person, right, and just haven't found my SPOT in the world, if I ever do).  Wondering how much money I'm gonna spend ($250 down to $165).

Enough to make me cry, awake at 5;30, feel alone and know that Prince is never going to be a friend I can turn to in my moments of despair.

Of course, when I had managed to pull myself together, get to Central Park to see 1 Billion Women dancing, and get an email about how much the recruiter loved me (which DID make me cry), and then onto MOMA PS 1 (and a Cuban at the diner and 5 cups of coffee which also cheered me immensely).

I sat in the dome where an Iraqi woman was singing "Hallelujah" on a loop (more tears).  Then saw an artist I LOVE, Thomas Lanigan- Schmidt's exhibit, his work is based on aluminum foil and holy relics.  As if I had spent the whole morning praying to the art and beauty. And thinking about LOVE.  (How it is NEVER lost, even when a relatioship ends, use it for jealous and evil ends, or transmute it into ART!!.)
Like I do.  I realized, in the shower, never had I had fewer prospects and never been happier. THIS is the way I want to be living my life.

Climbing the steps of the museum, thinking about people who die (Pop, DJ, PT when he goes)  you need to be centered enough to know that LOVE stays.  An inherently egotistic POV, that it brings out a Reflection you Recognize.

Making art, hanging out with The Boy.

And then, of course, as soon as he heard I had good news, he wrote back (is he a fair weather friend?) Does he not want to deal with me when I am in trouble, or most in need of a friend?  Does it trigger something timid in him?  (He was marvelous, when he sent me his music, and then-when he hugged me when I was lost in a world of violence. He can be sensitive)

And I went to sleep, so happy, thinking of him as a Friend. Knowing that I am generally at a level of insecurity that needs moderate to constant levels of monitoring, and eventually, it will never be enough-I was very glad for the respite and to allow myself to put him up on a shelf and imagine him in a personal hibernation or whatever.

10am.  He hasn't responded about meeting.  And probably won't.

(Did I mention about inviting them both to a concert, Snow says no, but somehow he can't manage to say yes??)

I missed him so much. And now I'm afraid I'm thinking that he's Back.  When nothing is constant.

Heard Wrecking Ball this morning, first time in forever.  (As if the past year has been a wrecking ball in his life.  Mine too, for that matter.  But he sees only the movie of his life. Can be nice to me, if he can.  But there's a lot going on.  And he needs to take care of himself)

==
Boy, I know you saw your Mom on her birthday and for Valentine's.  I think you had a marvelous time.  No drama, no challenges.  I hope it continues like that for you.  I want to talk to you! As a grownup.  Don't invest emotions (of negativity) into someone who can't offer you positive emotions when you need them.

But then, what happens when we are all happy together?  Can we trust the happy?  Can we use it for as long as it lasts?  (Understanding that its not going to last??)

Middle of the NIght

It is now 2:51am.

Maybe I had too much coffee.  But I really can't sleep.  The last time I remember this, I remember thinking about you.

And the Boy needs to know how painful it is to know that someone you care for is hidden/buried/hiding  behind a wall.  A self imposed one.  And knowing how much you love them, and are willing to accept them on any terms.

Except the ones they need.

His mom has been in Florida since September.  Gone.  It's painful for her, and for him.  He needs to figure out how to manage expectations, and it's all worse because he's a kid.  And somehow, we can't tell him the truth.  We also don't know how, because we don't know either.

We saw each other today, and it was simple and easy.  And we talked.  And we were all humans.  Neighbors, talking about whatever we thought of.

I'm writing this down because I got the idea to officially request to have coffee with you, once a week, every week.  I don't think I will.  Because you SAY NO TO EVERYTHING. It makes me extremely frustrated, I don't know what your parameters are.  I have no sense of what you are like when things are easy, or when things are hard.  So I assume that it is ALL hard for you.  And thank I can't have anything.

Your reticence has made me reticent.  Frankly, I don't think it serves either of us. We are neighbors, now.  I have a tremendous amount of goodwill for you, now.  You have WRITTEN to me repeatedly that you are a "people" person; you'd much rather relate in person than over email.  (But frankly, I have no evidence of this).

There are maybe a few good sentences in here, but I MUST be careful not to retain anger for you.  Which prevents me from being honest.

It boils down to wanting the fuller experience of an in-person friendship.  If you are going to send me texts in the middle of the night about how you are a "dark soul", then you need to take me to coffee.  Fuck all that shit you take so seriously.  You may think you are crazy and be caught up in CS.  Or worse, whatever.  Nothing scares me now about that.  Your silence makes me want to beat you up, and I'm certain I could.  Stop taking yourself so seriously.  I'm sure your shrink would tell you that it is emotionally healthy to relate to other humans.  Fuck your isolation.

I'm feeling emotionally RAPED.  And I know you are not a person who would want to do that.  But it's as cheap as making a bootie call and then tossing someone aside the rest of the time.  I am grateful for your generosity in the past (sending me music after The Whirlwind and then the Hug after Sandy Hook).

The thing is, I'm afraid to ask for your help, just to be turned down again.  I've been rejected in so many ways in my life lately that one more rejection will send me into tears.

Yes, I am lonely.  But the cold kind of lonely.  I don't want anything from you that normal people can't give.  Suck it up and be a human, COFFEE.  Let's talk about stupid things while we caffeinate.

Even the cat, he climbs into my lap and suckles on my ears, purring loudly.  He is the only living thing that loves me, is eager to touch me, and only when he can satisfy himself.  And the worst part it, I have no instinct to find a human to touch me.  I don't like it and don't want it.

And you are making me cold.  You are making me trust people less.

(Little boy, please read this and work on making yourself normal and happy.  Don't do things to spite other people.  They won't appreciate it AND it won't even get through to them!)

Snowy Orange Hat in the Park

Dear Prince and Snow,

I ran into you guys today in the park.  Just as if we were people living in the same neighborhood!

Dr. Charming, I noticed your orange hat with the wide brim first.  I noticed it had fallen and there was some snow on it.  When we were talking, I kept wanting to brush it off.

You both looked a bit dazed, but maybe it was just a matter of having cabin fever.  There was the Big Snowstorm yesterday, and we were caught in the communal sense of bewilderment that comes when you wander the first streets covered in white.  The trees were still slighted frosted, especially the large ones along where the garden usually bursts with color.  There was a huge brushstroke/eraser all over the park and it was fun to guess what things were taken from our sight temporarily.

I was out with my friend who breaks down walls with her viola.  Did I mention her trip and performance in South Korea?  You seemed a bit starstruck, which was sweet.  She's not used to fans. She's also slightly not used to me introducing my friends.  I wish she was more careful to try with people I like.  (I think you guys need a little tenderness lately).  The conversation fizzled out sooner than it should have, and I was sorry.

But I have decided not to struggle with your (plural) silence anymore.

I was glad to run into you both in the grocery store again.  Funny, like in April.  We talked; you both seemed to be shopping in reverse, putting things back on the shelves.  Complaining that the prices were too expensive.  Which they are.  I mentioned how spoiled I was by Fairway.  You mentioned leaving your car at your dad's.  (Right).   And you talked about going to get some fish from the fish place.  I got into my routine about complaining about not cooking because of my roommate-which I am trying to stop.  Both the complaining and not cooking.  I bragged about making soup.  Snow mentioned her tomato soup, seemingly asking for a compliment, but you were oblivious.  (Most of the time, I love how you two interact.  Comfortable and jokey with each other.  A good vibe, mutual and full of positive energy.  Good to be around, very good.)

==
Valentine's Day is coming up.  They are playing all manner of love songs on the radio.  Some of which I remember from when I was 14, knowing that I had love waiting for when I'd be grown up.  ("And I love you so" by Don McClean)

And although you made me feel so lonely, so lonely, when you said you wouldn't be in this city if you didn't have your wife, I disagree.  I disagree that the perfect love ideal should be modeled on just one person.  I do not have now (but perhaps I have waiting in the future) a singular romantic love like that.  I'm not saying it doesn't exist.

I just believe that Love is bigger than that.  I've loved music and The Boys since I was young.  Love had always existed in my life.  I hear it in my singing. I carry it with me and am careful to select people, art, memories that remind me of its existence.  It did not die with my Father.  And if and when I meet a single person that fits, when that person leaves, Love will not leave with them.

When I saw you two walking today, I didn't recognize you guys until you were close enough to see faces.  You seemed so sad, so quiet, so melancholy.  Even in the store, we talked, you smiled, you even made a joke.  (About me surviving on my prison food, which I got-but Snow was careful to make sure I didn't take it as an insult.) You talked about getting fish.  (You have a habit of already being on the run, I feel like I'm always stopping you as you are ready to pull away, but you always seem eager to turn back around)

I wish we were the kind of neighbors that --
I could go over to your apartment and knock on the door.
I could invite myself over for dinner.
I could understand what your home-cooking tastes like.
That I knew the sound of your laughter.
That I knew when you were in a bad mood and I should leave you alone, and when you are fully approachable and I could come up with an idea that you guys might actually be interested in.
I wish I weren't so shy-or hesitant-or wishing for things that you guys are not even thinking about giving to me.

You mentioned you were going to buy fish.  We were joking about how I survive on prison food.  Pita chips and water.  But I couldn't mention dinner.  Either you guys cooking or us just going out, casually.  I have consciously decided to stop trying with you guys.

Snow mentioned feeling like an orphan. During that other storm.

I have lots of love-simple, gentle, non-intrusive LOVE to offer.  I believe in being kind, even when you don't have to be.  I believe in listening to everything.  The big stuff and the little stuff.  And if you do that with enough people, when it is easy, you can have support when things are rougher.  That it is better to be sociable, when it is at all possible.  Better to be generous than cheap, better to help than not.  Better to talk, to struggle to put things into words, to COMMUNICATE.  Because this world is pretty fucking confusing anyway.

And there's lots going on under the surface.  (Especially with you, that I can never begin to guess at.  I want to talk about those messages you sent me that night.  Or if this is the type of friendship I can expect from you.  But I don't want to ask any Meta questions.  Nor do I want to bring up anything negative.  Which makes me feel less than honest.  Which gets me grumpy at you.  Then mad.)

I'm amazed at how Simple it was to talk to the both of you in person.  How little effort it actually involves, once we get going.  How YOU tend to take yourself so seriously (me too) and how all that stress dissipates so quickly. What a relief.

I liked so much when I thought you were self aware, and felt free enough to communicate to me.  That's a very important quality in a human to me. But you have been so silent for the past few months (since November?)

Tell you what.  My only goal when i talk to either of you, is simply to make you smile.  Or better yet, to have you get to a point where you smile or tell a joke on your own.  Is that not something to actively pursue?

==

Snow White reminds me of the lead singer of Innocence Mission. Which is a good, simple and lovely thing.  (Some similar qualities I see in myself).

Peace to both of you.  And please be happy.

Sincerely,
The Girl down the Hall

Schoolhouse Rock: Figure 8 on its side is Infinity

You were watching tv while your father napped.

You had just come home from school.  Maybe it was the show about Lego Ninjas.  Maybe the one about  Ninjago, or the Japanese plastic coins.  I remember the commercials and after every one, you said, "I want that"  or worse, "I'm gonna get that"

You are spoiled (mostly because you are loved, no worries, my dear Boy) :)

I tried to get you to turn off the tv as the next show started.  You protested, and as an adult, I should have fought harder.  Grabbed the remote and turned it off.  I also make the mistake of asking, "Do you want to go to the library?"  Because you say yes.  While still staring at the TV.

But we head off.  You had asked your father if you could have a granola bar at Jin's.  We go and you put down your 4 quarters.  But it is $2.  So I pull out a $20.  And take the quarters back and accept my change.  I ask you how much change I should get, 20-2? You say 8.  The clerk says you cannot have a job working for him.  (You are very good at math in school, but sometimes you get some questions wrong still.  I fear the mental model isn't too solid with you yet)

See also:  Figure 8 Cartoon sung by Blossom Dearie
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UCGNUo-XQJ8

You then proceed to whine for the next few blocks that it is YOUR money, those quarters, and how I should gave back YOUR money.  I try explaining.  Especially the part about being nice enough to essentially *give* you an extra dollar.  You keep whining.  I hand over the quarters and then require you to pay me back $2.  And you say "Psych!"  (or "Sike!", which is probably closer to the way you'd spell it, if you could spell)

I try to explain that "Sike!" doesn't work on adults (later you tell me it doesn't work on shildren.  Because of course, I had tried it on you)

If only I could tell you how I am down to my 2nd to last rent check.  How I have ZERO money coming in and fidn myself relating to that homeless Native American guy more and more.  (Especially when it hits 20 degrees).  How I have to make sure your father pays me $5 for the pizza, and why I really can't afford to get an entire pizza at Domino's.  How I imagine, thankfully, that you will probably never know hunger because your family truly loves you.  And how my mother is so eager to have me move back in with her.  And how tempting it is, because I don't seem to be wanted --wait, I'm wallowing here.  Sorry.

I had a terrific interview/talk with someone who runs a series of classes/workshops over in Brooklyn.  He was eager to have me teach and really liked hearing my shpiel.  The first in a long time.  It made me feel smart and appreciated.  He pays $40 an hour.  For a 3 hour class, x 3 weeks.  (120+120+120).  Another day, another dollar indeed.  360<365.  The total is less that half my rent.

I remember being your age, completely baffled by the idea of how grownups get jobs and then lives.  I had no idea how to go about that.  Now as a grownup, I feel baffled in exactly the same way.

The library was fun, we looked at a few books and you got 20 minutes of video games.  The first was, what kind of dragon are you?  You prefer an environment of a beach, and your biggest fear is to hurt the ones you love.  Another one involved 2 characters boxing.  You offered to have me play, but I didn't want to.  You couldn't understand why, it was so fun.

We came back and you immediately did your homework.  So you could get more tv.  I let you watch for 10 minutes, but then tried to get you into bed early (7 instead of 8).  We had a great chase over the remote controls.  I hid them in your father's drum room and then fought you off.  Then tricked you by letting you think I had moved them (you are gonna learn ALL my tricks soon!  I don't have that many)

The remotes ended up in your pillowcase, you ended up in bed with a book called "Ironsides" which is essentially a comic book about the Civil War.  We (I) read several pages and you got excited enough to tell your dad about it.  I gave over bookreading duty to him, as he harshed my buzz (and probably yours).  He asked about every panel and began to be angry that you seemed to be contradicting "grownups" when we were trying to explain (complicated) history to you.

You should know he raises his voice ALL the time. The same volume if he's stubbed his toe, if a page doesn't load on the internet or if a major tragedy happens.  I hope you learn this sooner rather than later.  It's taken me about a year and a half not to take him seriously at all times.

A silly story I want to share with you

Maybe I'll show you this "Story on a Wall"

http://curiouseggs.com/just-a-great-story-found-on-the-wall/

A series of pictures, based in graffiti.  But it honestly makes you curious to read the next phrase.

I'd like to live in that neighborhood.