(May 14, 2013)
I feel nothing but Peace.
When I see you on the street, as I know that I will, I wonder how you will react. And how I will.
I hope I smile. I hope we both do and start giggling. Because that's what friends do.
If we never become friends, if we always look past each other, then fine. I'm okay with it. As an artist, I regularly see beautiful visions that will never come to pass unless I work at them.
My Mousetraps were going to exist as tiles, as a gigantic mosaic of the bridge at one point. But then I just lined my wall with them. And was happy.
I have a peaceful, gentle, positive feeling about you, even at your darkest. I wish we had more time spent away from the "serious" stuff, more acting normal (fake it til you make it) type moments. Personally, I used to stress before I saw you, wondering what would happen (granted, my own anxiety). But as soon as we begin talking, it dissipates. We talk normal-neighbor stuff.
It's the emails that our the source of our perverse weirdness. Lots of things come up, and granted-when I get passive aggressive, it must sound mean, or even just odd. I apologize. Especially because things can be taken both ways (mean and fine).
eg I texted you when Boston was in Lockdown (April). "Dammit! I wish we were friends!" You never acknowledged it.
You later told me you were in Montreal that weekend. Beautiful city, you said/emailed.
"Maybe you should move there," I emailed.
Sounding curt, and maybe mean. But just a few months ago (October), you were TELLING/Emailing that you were moving to Beacon. To get away from the city. (Before we had become friends, to get away from everyone, city, me? How can anyone live here? you said, just when I was trying to reach out to my neighbor, you refusing to be nice then) And then maybe there was Bipolar amnesia (or from the ECT??)
When I went to your party, you emphasized that you were glad I came. As if I might not have. Because I was thinking not to. Because I am aware of how difficult it is being friends. No, I am aware how difficult it is "appearing" as friends, and then going back to deep exchange of messages over technology.
Last December, when I was in Boston for Christmas, you texted me about your "Dark Soul". And mentioned "the contemplation of one's death". I called, I texted, you wouldn't answer, you were at dinner.
I don't mind being another friend to turn to. Especially if (it seems) you are not finding trust in your current circle. BUT I cannot be the one who gets your multiplying sorrows when they get tired of you. Especially if you have nothing to give me.
---
I still think that most of this could be resolved through face to face conversation. But you act like a fridge magnet turned over, nothing will make you talk about seeing me in person. Which is maybe about me. Or maybe about you. (The phone call where you told me that it was an achievement noteworthy enough to tell your therapist about was a HUGE clue to me).
Maybe I've just pushed your sensitivity a bit too far this time. Everything seems so easy, so normal when I see you in person. (Even listening to records that time. It was so normal and fun, I don't understand why we can't do that again. Although, I know you were manic at the time. But everything was fine...)
You told me about how SLOWLY you become friends with people. Did I jump the gun? Don't I get some kind of "reward" after a YEAR? Other than a huge party.
Maybe you think of yourself as a werewolf. Not to be trusted with people. Or with me. I'm a girl, I get it. (And of all the excuses, you could use that one, but you NEVER do...???)
Check with your therapist, your close ones, would I be a good person to START reaching out with?
Or just coffee, or normal neighbor things.
We have a lot in common. (Except for your wall)
Again, I never know if or when you will see/talk/write/communicate with me. But I wish you peace. (And everytime this happens, for my own self-respect and for yours, you will have to work harder. I just have to remember that.)
I wish I could tell you that it is all okay. Everything, everything, EVERYTHING is always forgivable.
I feel nothing but Peace.
When I see you on the street, as I know that I will, I wonder how you will react. And how I will.
I hope I smile. I hope we both do and start giggling. Because that's what friends do.
If we never become friends, if we always look past each other, then fine. I'm okay with it. As an artist, I regularly see beautiful visions that will never come to pass unless I work at them.
My Mousetraps were going to exist as tiles, as a gigantic mosaic of the bridge at one point. But then I just lined my wall with them. And was happy.
I have a peaceful, gentle, positive feeling about you, even at your darkest. I wish we had more time spent away from the "serious" stuff, more acting normal (fake it til you make it) type moments. Personally, I used to stress before I saw you, wondering what would happen (granted, my own anxiety). But as soon as we begin talking, it dissipates. We talk normal-neighbor stuff.
It's the emails that our the source of our perverse weirdness. Lots of things come up, and granted-when I get passive aggressive, it must sound mean, or even just odd. I apologize. Especially because things can be taken both ways (mean and fine).
eg I texted you when Boston was in Lockdown (April). "Dammit! I wish we were friends!" You never acknowledged it.
You later told me you were in Montreal that weekend. Beautiful city, you said/emailed.
"Maybe you should move there," I emailed.
Sounding curt, and maybe mean. But just a few months ago (October), you were TELLING/Emailing that you were moving to Beacon. To get away from the city. (Before we had become friends, to get away from everyone, city, me? How can anyone live here? you said, just when I was trying to reach out to my neighbor, you refusing to be nice then) And then maybe there was Bipolar amnesia (or from the ECT??)
When I went to your party, you emphasized that you were glad I came. As if I might not have. Because I was thinking not to. Because I am aware of how difficult it is being friends. No, I am aware how difficult it is "appearing" as friends, and then going back to deep exchange of messages over technology.
Last December, when I was in Boston for Christmas, you texted me about your "Dark Soul". And mentioned "the contemplation of one's death". I called, I texted, you wouldn't answer, you were at dinner.
I don't mind being another friend to turn to. Especially if (it seems) you are not finding trust in your current circle. BUT I cannot be the one who gets your multiplying sorrows when they get tired of you. Especially if you have nothing to give me.
---
I still think that most of this could be resolved through face to face conversation. But you act like a fridge magnet turned over, nothing will make you talk about seeing me in person. Which is maybe about me. Or maybe about you. (The phone call where you told me that it was an achievement noteworthy enough to tell your therapist about was a HUGE clue to me).
Maybe I've just pushed your sensitivity a bit too far this time. Everything seems so easy, so normal when I see you in person. (Even listening to records that time. It was so normal and fun, I don't understand why we can't do that again. Although, I know you were manic at the time. But everything was fine...)
You told me about how SLOWLY you become friends with people. Did I jump the gun? Don't I get some kind of "reward" after a YEAR? Other than a huge party.
Maybe you think of yourself as a werewolf. Not to be trusted with people. Or with me. I'm a girl, I get it. (And of all the excuses, you could use that one, but you NEVER do...???)
Check with your therapist, your close ones, would I be a good person to START reaching out with?
Or just coffee, or normal neighbor things.
We have a lot in common. (Except for your wall)
Again, I never know if or when you will see/talk/write/communicate with me. But I wish you peace. (And everytime this happens, for my own self-respect and for yours, you will have to work harder. I just have to remember that.)
I wish I could tell you that it is all okay. Everything, everything, EVERYTHING is always forgivable.
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