Unresolved Issues

Dear L,

I sent you a letter last year, after August. When we had decided to keep being friends.

I asked about what you knew about your diagnosis, about yourself.  If you were violent, what I should expect.  All sorts of things.

You never answered me.

When I try to press you about hanging out in person (vs endless emails) you seem to get angry.  Yet you ask for my continued patience.  (Believe me, I am patient)

You seem to hang out with other people, at least that's what you tell me.  I get mad that you don't hang out with me (because that's what I think of as a friendship).  There have been LOTS of emails and frankly, the make me crazy.  I'm a girl and think talking is of primary importance.  Plus, it makes me check my emails every few minutes, because if I get you in a communicative mood, then you'll send a bunch of emails back.

I keep wanting to write to you, but it seems like I'd be begging for something I don't even like.

You texted me when I was in Boston.  In December.  You were thinking about your own death.  Again, you wouldn't let me talk to you.  You were NOT alone, and I'm pretty sure you had some alcohol.

I think I'm someone you talk to when you are Manic.

I think you are waiting for a time in your life when you can talk to people in a mania, or a subdued mania. I think you are waiting to get back on track somehow.  My persistence has been based on an idea that brief interactions can help you get back on track somehow.  But now I see that it's impossible.  And I'll wait through the summer.  (We didn't talk last summer, after a fight)  I'll wait forever.  But I don't know what I'm waiting for.  I don't know who you are.  I've been waiting to get to know you.  Maybe this is you.  Maybe if I didn't need anything from you ever, it would be easier (but what is the point of a polite friendship like that? We were honest with each other)

Everytime I think about you, I end up in this spiral.  How I should be nice to you, how I get a tremendous sense of PEACE when I think about you.  How this all seems unfinished.  And then I think about how you don't let me in, how you were open once and now you are closed and cold.  And how you said how you don't like being cold.

I need to stay away from you. There's nothing we can give each other from this friendship.  (Other than neighborly friendship and treasures of being humans on this earth.  Laughter, conversation, exchange of smiles, etc.)

Little Green Cars and "Devil in the White City"  (You are charming, but you said you have a "Dark Soul".  There's a reason girls get attracted to danger)

Superman and The Mom

11:15am, Monday in June, getting up to 95 degrees

"Really good to see you again!"
"Yeah, you too!"

One neighbor to another, former, neighbor.  As they pass each other on the street.  They are both heading to their cars.  She will drive back to a new place in NJ, a long commute after 2 apartments so close by.  Homes that don't exist for The Mom anymore.

If he is feeling good, he may drive to the grocery store.  And be back in time for alternate side parking to end so he can get his favorite spot in front of the entrance to the courtyard.  He is tall.  He is a Blond Superman.  He doesn't leave his apartment when he is sad.

Almost a year ago, he had started confiding in a Girl.  He told her about his diagnosis.  Mixed Bipolar.  The worst.  He was diagnosed 25 years ago, after a bad episode.

Within a few weeks, he would have the worst episode he had had in 25 years.

During that Sunday day of 350 emails, the world was shifting for the woman with the car.  She had never been so depressed.  She tried to pick up some meds, but the place was closed.  A mixture of self medication (beer & pot) and pills (Prozac or something like it).  The kind that can trigger a worse episode if you don't have the proper diagnosis.

The Mom was so sad and alone.  Except for the Little Boy.  And the Cat.

Instead of buying pills, she bought antifreeze.  That midnight, she sent a text to her ex-husband.  "By the time you get this, all three of us will be gone"

The ex-husband didn't get it til Tuesday morning, when he was driving back from a hiking trip.  By then, the crisis of the moment had been averted.  The Girl who was on the other end of the 350 emails had called the suicide hotline for her friend.  She was just "The Roommate", but had gotten custody for a few hours of the Little Boy.

The Girl heard this exchange between neighbors, knowing that sometimes it is easier to just say hi than to have a real conversation.  They are people connected through the Girl, she knows both of them very well.  Or rather, she USED to know them.  Used to recognize similar symptoms.  Saw the same sadness between them.

And they walk the street easily, saying hi.

The Girl hears this conversation from her window.  And her heart races to see these people.  Wanting them to be happy.  In friendship, wanting the friendship to extend to her as well.  Unaware of how to be friends with them anymore.  Superman and The Mom don't want to be connected through the GIrl anymore.  They have moved on from that weekend in August, that end of the summer.

Here it is, June, and they have moved on, however.

The Girl is still grieving for the loss of the friendships.

Fictional Character Day & Dance Steps

The last picture is me (after painting the whole gallery in Community Board 12!) holding up the Paper Airplane you made.

The first picture is you dressed up as Jack from the Magic Treehouse, from a book about the 1903 earthquake. "Earthquake in the Morning"?

The other is a drawing you did to explain a show at school. I told your father I wanted to go, but he didn't call. (I didn't push it)

My Room, You Cutting Out A Dragon

The National-Trouble Will Find Me

Kid,
When we were in my room tonight, cutting out paper dragons, we were listening to the radio.  WFUV.  They are doing a series about Mentally Ill people, "Striking a Chord" against misunderstanding.

I tried to ask if you had heard about it yet.  You said "Yes, I have a friend with that. He has diabetes".

I couldn't explain it further.  It's still hard for me to explain anything beyond "people get a cold in their brain".  Maybe I will tell you about our neighbor.  How people get moody.  And mad and sad and angry and lonely.

And how we still need to love them.  Because it is sometimes impossible for people to stop loving people.  Like when it's your mom.  Or your neighbor.


Lyrics, from their album "Trouble Will Find Me"

"This Is The Last Time"

Oh, when I lift you up
You feel like a hundred times yourself
I wish everybody knew
What's so great about you

Oh, but your love is such a swamp
You don't think before you jump
And I said I wouldn't get sucked in
I...

This is the last time

Oh, don't tell anyone I'm here
I've got time and no one near
I was thinking that you'd call somebody
Closer to you

Oh, but your love is such a swamp
You're the only thing I want
And I said I wouldn't cry about it
I...

This is the last time
This is the last time

We were so under the brine
We were so vacant and kind
We were so under the brine
We were so vacant

We were so under the brine
We were so out of our minds
We were so under the brine
We were so vacant

Oh, when I lift you up
You feel like a hundred times yourself
I wish everybody knew
What's so great about you

Oh, but your love is such a swamp
You don't think before you jump
And I said I wouldn't get sucked in
I...

I won't be vacant anymore
I won't be waitin' anymore
I won't be vacant anymore
I won't be waitin' anymore
I won't be vacant anymore
I won't be waitin' anymore
I won't be vacant anymore
I won't be waitin' anymore

Jenny, I am in trouble
Can't get these thoughts out of me
Jenny, I'm seeing double
I know this changes everything

Jenny, I am in trouble
Can't get these thoughts out of me
Jenny, I'm seeing double
I know this changes everything

Catch up Kid Art from last week!!

Sea Monster and Dinosaur along a road

I did most of this one, but you drew the golden hot dog with silver mustard.  There is an ant whose word cloud says: "Do the Harlem Shake!"

Drum kit from last week, after your father had tried to give you a lesson.

A maze.  Amazing.

Robot Square Drawing

Why It Really Did Work Out Well, but for other people

You remember that day we wrote to each other. (350 emails?)  That Sunday.  You hadn't gotten much sleep. The Friday before, you were up for 48 hours straight.

350 emails.  And then staying up, "reaffirming our friendship".

So, that was the night when She sat up with the Antifreeze. ("But the time you get this, all 3 of us will be dead,")  August 19, 2012?  Something like that.

And then more the next few days. Her whirlwind.

And even if all three of them were actually "fine", I DO believe that my intervention (and your support-your heart shaped smile when I felt so completely alone) were good in the longer run.  (Although I suffered, and still do over it)

Well, the second part of this is about LOVE.

The line from "Nights in White Satin", about the letters I've written, never meaning to send.  [LIWNMTS}

I NEVER stopped writing to you.  I just stopped SENDING emails to you.

Remember I wrote a story about "Invisible Magic"?  I randomly thought about a present for you.  And came up with an idea that I'd write a story a week, every week, until you were ready to talk to me.  A year.  2?  As many as it would take.  So I started this blog.  And lots of others.

The Six Degrees of M was a way to convince you to appreciate the group.  A smart guy like you (if I were you, I'd be dubious about them too).

And so, I ended up getting a table at the M convention.  My best friend met her soul mate there.  Bringing them together brings them both SOOOOO much love.  They are "open" to stuff like that-in ways that I'm not sure that I am.  And they are stupid in LOVE.  Silly.  And I'm happy for them.  And I want you to know that even if you and I don't have a direct connection---- then at LEAST 4 other people (R and E, and my friend K and the guy H_I should go through your record collection, CSNY. . . . and remember how we were going to listen to the Mamas and the Papas next time-that one too!)

4 people are made happy from our friendship so far.  Maybe me sometimes.  Maybe you.  I have no idea.  So far. . .

(And the song, "Right as the Rain" just came on)

10 Subtle Signs of Bipolar

http://positivemed.com/2013/05/15/10-subtle-signs-of-bipolar-disorder/

There are plenty of stereotypes when it comes to mental illness, here are 10 signs that mood problems may be due to more than a quirky or difficult personality.
Great mood

Hypomania is a high-energy state in which a person feels exuberant but hasn’t lost his or her grip on reality.

Inability to complete tasks
Having a house full of half-completed projects is a hallmark of bipolar disorder. Those who can’t finish tasks often go from task to task, planning grand, unrealistic projects that are never finished before moving on to something else.

Depression
A person who is in a bipolar depressive state is going to present as very similar to someone who has depression, presenting the same problems with energy, appetite, sleep, and focus as others who have moderate depression.

Irritability
Some people with this condition suffer from “mixed mania,” where they experience symptoms of mania and depression at the same time.

Rapid speech
“Pressured speech” is one of the most common symptoms of bipolar disorder, it occurs when someone is really not in a two-way conversation.

Trouble at work
Many of the symptoms can interfere with their ability to show up for work, do their job, and interact productively with others.
In addition to having problems completing tasks, they may have difficulty sleeping, irritability, and an inflated ego during a manic phase, and depression at other times, which causes excessive sleeping and additional mood problems.

Alcohol or drug abuse
Many people will drink when they are in a manic phase to slow themselves down, and use alcohol to improve their mood when they are depressed.

Erratic behavior
When they are in a manic phase, people with bipolar disorder can have an inflated self-esteem.
Two of the most common types of behavior that can result from this are spending sprees and unusual sexual behavior.

Sleep problems
During a depression phase, they may sleep too much, and feel tired all the time, meanwhile during a manic phase, they may not sleep enough, but still never feel tired.

Flight of ideas
People feel like their mind is racing and that they can’t control or slow down their thoughts, it is often seen in the pressured speech.

==

Unlike what many think mental disorders are not only a consequence of genetic factors, or of a serious trauma, they can be caused by many common things that may happen monthly, weekly or even daily in your lifetime. Here we give you a list with 8 common actions that may cause mental illness.

1. Sales Events
There is a physiological factor involved in these events when people go crazy and trample or shoot pepper spray in each other eyes, it is known as literally crazy symptoms like anxiety among others.

2. Long Winter Nights
SAD or Season Affective Disorder happens when the lack of sunlight affects your mood, leading you into a depression.

3. Living alone
Depression has many factors and living alone is one potential cause that may increase the risk of being on anti-depressants.

4. Owning a cat
Cats usually have inside them a small parasite called toxoplasma Gondi, when it leaves the cat, it gets inside another being, and this parasite might cause slower reactions and more reckless feeling.

5. A bed bug infestation
Some people may have physiological response to bed bugs, having symptoms such as nightmares, flashbacks, insomnia and anxiety.

6. Having traumatic brain injury
After trauma, the rate for psychiatric disorders is almost 50%, the effects of concussions can last long past when the physical signs have gone.

7. Being in a bad car accident
A car crash can give you a long term Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) causing shock and disorientation, and you can end up with a mental disorder.

8. Excessive praise as a child
Praising a child for every single thing they do can lead to a serious personality disorder. 

Saw You Today (Attempt at Poetry)

I saw you today
In the dark hallway
It has been raining for days now.

You didn't see me
There isn't much light in our hallway
I think you looked sad.

Yesterday, I saw Superman, Man of Steel, the movie.
He's an alien with magical powers.
His parents told him to focus and believe in himself.

Each body reacts uniquely.
This funny world of harsh summer days
and off-key tones in music and voices.

You were banging the laundry cart out of the sticky threshold
Neighbors at the elevator
At the laundry room
At the door
On the street

You don't look up,
but I do.

You are the old man,
"How did that happen?"

I still see the small boy
and the heart shaped smile.
I believe that one day, you will look up.
Again.

The world reminds me of you.
Russia, a phrase in Dutch, religious conflict.
Sunburns, wrecking balls, accents.
Iridescence.

The long wall of shadow
down the hallway.
 High gloss paint.
The dream I had of you, a series of portraits.
And the photos you sent me.

And today, you are sad.
And curled in on yourself.
Barely able to struggle out the door.
Dirty laundry keeping you in the building.

I cannot say hi.
You can come to me at any time.
I am always confused,
but ready to give you the benefit of the doubt.

And I will smile.

I still think of you everyday.
Long past the time I even image you remembering me.
I say a prayer everytime I pass your window.
About acceptance or happiness.

Your song echoes with me.
==
More than a month since we last exchanged good emails. Not counting seeing you guys in the hallway.  And you leaving your car door open.

I miss you.

I'm being patient.
Even if we never talk again.

Reading the Lyrics

 And this is why you cannot trust that you are having a similar experience.

Letters are too easy.  You can put whatever you want. (Novels are in a similar vein, and the better a writer you are, the better you can evoke an experience.) Letters have the tantalizing idea of a mutual conversation.

"Please read", and understand me.  NOT what you want to understand, or what you think I might say.  (You are fading more everyday)

This song is about leaving.  "We needed so much more".

Caught out running with just a little too much to hideMaybe baby everything's gonna work out finePlease read the letter I pinned it to your doorIt's crazy how it all turned out we needed so much more
Too late, too late a fool could read the signsMaybe baby you'd better check between the linesPlease read the letter, I wrote it in my sleepWith help and consultation from the angels of the deep
Once I stood beside a well of many wordsMy house was full of rings and charms and pretty birdsPlease understand me, my walls come falling downThere's nothing here that's left for you but check with lost and found
Please read the letter that I wrote[ From: http://www.metrolyrics.com/please-read-the-letter-lyrics-robert-plant.html ]Please read the letter that I wrote
One more song just before we goRemember baby the things we used to knowPlease read my letter and promise you'll keepThe secrets and the memories and cherish in the deep
Please read the letter that I wrotePlease read the letter that I wrotePlease read the letter that I wrote
Please read the letter that I wrotePlease read the letter that I wrotePlease read the letter that I wrote

Read more: ROBERT PLANT - PLEASE READ THE LETTER LYRICS 

Please Read The Letter That I Wrote

By Allison Krauss & Robert Plant

There are so many songs that still exist as ghosts. Like your car parked right outside my window.

LIWNMTS

If you ever wonder about faith in friendship, my faith in you, or goodwill within humanity, think on this. The day ended with the song above. And started with Wrecking Ball.

I miss you, and send goodwill to you Everytime I pass your window. You are less than a shadow to me. A person I do not say hi to. You are lost within your curse. I have NO powers, real, magic, or imaginary to contribute.

I don't know where you are within your cycle, good or bad or equilibrium.

I think of you. And pray for peace for all of us. I know that having you out of my life makes me more peaceful. I can't imagine what kind of sign or conversation we could have that would reassure me or make me content if we were friends. Knowing that your meds are working, no threat of CS?? You being social (and sensitive at the same time?). The fruition of who I thought you were in those early conversations.

The song above was the last song I heard that day. That Sunday of 350 emails. When we spent the last moments of the day affirming our friendship.

When R was sitting with the Antifreeze. Texting T about giving it to all 3 of them. (Did you ever tell her the story? So she will know I'm not crazy? Do you tell it to yourself? Have you forgotten? Or do you pin it on me? Associate me with her whirlwind. And stay away for reasons I am not responsible for?)

I miss you. But not enough to not Let You Be. You must try to be my friend. I feel that way about R and A. And have grown colder.

So my faith in you is not diminished. I wonder how/if you think of me. Glad that I have THIS. For myself. Telling myself stories about my own descent into Crazy. While you remain quiet and asleep.

Retaining Wall Collapse (Local History)

Last week, because of all the rain, the building across the street from us had some damage when another wall fell into it.

5 years ago, the same thing happened in Castle Village.

Good Luck, Kid

Babysitting time 4-9pm, Monday nights

So tonight you said, and I quote: "I know you are not magic".

Not in a negative way, but in a way that shows me how you've known all along.  And you just wanted me to know that you know.  (The game of "close your eyes and I'll turn into a talking dog toy" doesn't quite work for you anymore.)

We were drawing.  You did a great picture of your Dad's drum kit (he gave you a quick lesson before he left).  I sketched you and then you sketched me.

So you are watching "Good Luck, Charlie" on the Disney Channel.  Which is exactly this.

Some kind of web-diary for a kid, who still hears her toys talking to her.

I just hope you remember that I was the one who let you watch tv.  (I will make you read tonight too)

Brief Visits

Yesterday, I saw R for a few minutes.

I pass by your window everyday.

And when you leave (whenever you do) you pass by mine.

I heard someone on the radio today, who has a "Bipolar Diagnosis".  He said how people around him are confused.

I am.

And I WILL smile when I see you!

(I still want to get through to you.  You are a nice person.  I don't understand what it is you are fighting. Why you seem to be fighting me.  Or yourself.  I'm on your side.  It will always be alright.)

I miss you.

Troll Dance

We were trying to explain the concept of reality to you this morning before school.

Lately, you've been contradicting or avoiding it in funny little ways.

Usually, your favorite phrase is, "Can I tell you something???!?!?!". But more recently, it's been, "I have no idea!"

Meanwhile, on a separate note, you drea this map at the breakfast table. Your father had an egg on toast with broccoli and you had Grape Nuts and Corn Poos. With milk. (Last week, your dad started pouring water into your cereal instead!! Ha!!)

You explained that the dots were how each character was dancing. You were one of 3 Peters, another one was Schaefer. Fairy King from Peer Gynt, I think.

You told a joke about the back side of Mt Rushmore. But I forget how it went.